Vancouverite leans on undisclosed conspiracy theories to excuse positive covid test, continues life as normal

‘My personal projects just can’t wait!’ complains student
By CJ Sommerfeld, Staff Writer

“How am I supposed to do my weekly emptying of everything semi-nice in the local non-profit shop if I’m self-isolating?”

Fred Fergerson—a multidisciplinary artist and student—ensures others that the results of his covid gargle test were, in fact, false. “I got a text the following day that informed me that my test result was POSITIVE. But I simply don’t believe it,” he tells the Other Press over a Zoom call. “The BC Centre for Disease Control has instructed me to self-isolate until Public Health gets in contact with me with further directions, but I got some projects on the roll that just can’t wait. Not to mention, I don’t know about this whole pandemic thing. This whole isolating people from one another—first the internet ‘n’ social media inducing social anxiety and polarization, then the 5G, and now this?”

“What do you think is going to happen?” The Other Press reporter probes. “Now, I’m not saying that they’re gonna put microchips in our wrists, and I mean, I don’t even know what 5G stands for.” He continues, “I’ve seen tidbits of the David Icke interview—that guy seems a bit wacko, and I wouldn’t go as far as to say that there’s truth in is words. As for the BOSS MT-2 pedal electric circuit 5G chip being injected into those who get the covid vaccine—there’s probably some truth to that. The peddle is probably the shittiest that BOSS has, of course it had a purpose other than creating guitar distortions. Regardless, all I know, is that my personal projects just can’t wait. I am not going to, and will not, self-isolate.

“You said previously that for the past few days you have exhibited all three of the most common symptoms, all seven of the less common symptoms and one of the serious symptoms. If not covid, how would you describe all that is happening in your body at this time?” asks the Other Press. “Ya, my body is fucked.” Fergerson replies. “I don’t have an explanation at this time, it’s just that, I can’t get sick right now. You see—I have this online ‘vintage’ shop. I thrift clothing in bulk from local non-profits, take curated photos of them on front of some old furniture, embroidery and whatnot, and then sell them with a 700 percent inflation. How am I supposed to do my weekly emptying of everything semi-nice in the local non-profit shop if I’m self-isolating?” Fergerson looks to the interviewer with genuine concern.
“That is an interesting concern.” The Other Press reporter replies, then continues, “You said previously that you have multiple projects on the go that you refuse to be deterred by covid, can you tell me more about these?” “So, I got the online ‘vintage’ shop, that’s one. I also wanna make a monolith. I wanna outdo the others—you know, make it current. I’m thinking of putting a wig on top of the upright stone. I’m thinking a short, non-binary fringe. And on top of the wig, I’m gonna put a toque that I’ve rolled so many times that if this monolith were a person, it wouldn’t cover his ears.” “Does that not defeat the purpose of putting a wig on the stone?” “Exactly.” Fergerson winks at the reporter.

“Do you not worry that in you not self-isolating and continuing your ‘personal projects’—all of which seem to involve unsocially-distanced socializations, that you could spread the virus that you evidently have, to others? Not to mention, prolong this whole situation?” the Other Press probes. “It’s not real.” Fergerson concludes, “plain ‘n’ simple.”