You’ve masturbated enough—you need an actual pastime
By Richard Dick, Contributor
Everyone seems to be trying out a different hobby during this pandemic. Some adventurous people have even sucked at multiple new hobbies during this period. The following is a list of the fun experiences and existential crises a novel pastime can offer you!
You already are a fan of sitting in one awkward hunched over position for an extended period of time, so this hobby will fit you and your demented spine well. You can embroider cute sayings like “I love my dog more than I love people and that fact is obvious when you look at me.” You can even make your hobby into a gift! A common and great idea for an embroidered gift is the phrase “it’s the thought that counts.”
The plant raiser
Time to practice that green thumb! Plants need plenty of love, water, and daily care—and as a person who barely muster the personal conviction to wash your dirty ass once a week, you’re not sure why you took this hobby on. What is plant food, anyways? Proteins and cheese?
The bread maker
You may not be able to be the breadwinner (since our economy is in shambles)—but you can make the bread! A fun and easy to understand hobby for those with experience in making bread. A terrible headache for anyone else. Also, many people mention that this hobby is economical. If you’re good, sure—but it’s expensive if you suck. Have you ever paid $90 for a single barely passable loaf of bread? Even hipsters wouldn’t stoop that low.