BC premier reveals she is robot

Illustration by Cara Seccafien

Illustration by Cara Seccafien

‘I can’t keep this secret any longer’

By Jake Wray, News Editor

 

January 9, 2088

New Westminster

 

Marie Chen, premier of British Columbia, is a robot.

The once-popular premier has recently come under fire for her handling of the immigration crisis and her comments about white people. After nearly a year of avoiding the media, Chen held a press conference January 2 where she told reporters her recent questionable choices are because she is a robot and she accidentally downloaded a virus.

“I can’t keep this secret any longer: I’m a robot,” she said. “My executive functioning was compromised last year when I attempted to download WinRAR and accidentally downloaded a virus. I sincerely apologize for allowing this to happen and to compromise the integrity of this beautiful province.”

Reporters at the press conference were skeptical at first, until Chen reached behind her head and pulled the skin off her scalp and face, revealing a lifeless metal skull with glowing green eyes.

Chen said the virus has been wiped out of her system, and she hopes voters will elect her for a fifth term this autumn.

Several premiers throughout BC’s history have been robots, Chen said, including Gordon Campbell, Christy Clark, Bill Vander Zalm, and Amor De Cosmos.

“Glen Clark was not a robot, however” Chen said. “Only a human could make an error as grievous as the fast ferry scandal.”

Many British Columbians expressed shock and outrage that robots have been living secretly among us for years, including Richard Jacobs, who was exiled to the arctic by doctors after he wrote a manifesto in 2079 detailing his theories about robots living in human skin.

Jacobs was allowed to return from the arctic after Chen’s admission.

“I can’t believe I was right all along,” he said in a VidLink interview with the Other Press. “Ever since I was a kid, I had this intuition that some members of our society were secretly metallic automatons. It was the only plausible explanation for their behaviour. I feel vindicated.”

Jacobs said he doesn’t resent the doctors who exiled him to the arctic.

“I’m just glad they didn’t lobotomize me like they do most mentally ill people,” he said.

Trevor Danvers, president of the Vancouver chapter of Blood and Bone, said his cohort is concerned about keeping humans safe from robots.

“We don’t hate robots. We just want to keep kids safe,” he said in an interview with the Other Press, adding that Blood and Bone have increased their foot patrols. “With our patrols, we are just taking a walk around the neighbourhood to keep an eye on things. We are simply a group of 45 hardened men wearing patched leather jackets, and our presence is in no way meant to intimidate robots or Muslims.”

The Other Press

The Other Press, Douglas College's student newspaper since 1976. Articles, insight and updates from the New West and Coquitlam campuses.

More Posts - Website