Between the Sheets

Fake it ‘til you make it: three common fake orgasms

By Viv Steele, Red Seal Faker

I don’t care how young you are, everyone with YouTube has had the pleasure of witnessing Meg Ryan and her golden mane fakin’ it at the diner across from Billy Crystal in the seminal rom-com When Harry Met Sally. This is the fake orgasm we’ve all seen. It’s a classic—her face crinkles up, she makes the requisite moaning, cooing noises, and it all culminates in a breathy release. It’s a veritable how-to for fake orgasms and I’m sure when it came out there were plenty of ‘80s ladies taking notes.

Then there’s the one we’ve all done. The pity-fake, or maybe the “I’m tired”-fake. A white lie that results in a fake orgasm for her and an end to whatever uninspired fumbling happens to be going on. Maybe the problem stems from the amount of pressure we place on the orgasm during a hetero pairing, and particularly on the female orgasm; men will fumble and obsess, working their hands down there like they’re digging for change between the cushions of a couch. This isn’t a rare occurrence: multiple studies say about 50 to 60 per cent of women have faked an orgasm at one point or another.

Faking it isn’t the only exit strategy for a failed fornication (there’s this thing the kids are doing called actually communicating with your partner), but it is one functional option—especially if you don’t plan on a repeat performance. Even though it’s based on lies and deceit (something that I’m generally against in the bedroom), Meg Ryan’s character sums up the strategy’s effectiveness: “It’s just that all men are sure it never happened to them, and that most women at one time or another have done it, so you do the math.” Billy Crystal assures her that he could tell the difference, but you can see the doubt in his eye, and I’m not so sure myself.

You could say that faking an orgasm is unethical thing. Shouldn’t it be on the woman to educate the man on what he’s doing wrong, to set him right for the other potential women in his future? Isn’t it unfair for the man to go through life thinking he’s a master cocksmith when really he’s just a junior journeyman or amateur handyman? This is where my opinion gets a little radical. Sometimes a fake escape is the best escape. It’s not a woman’s job to coddle her man’s ego. It’s not a woman’s job to be an all-knowledgeable teacher. What might work for one woman could really miss the mark for another; everyone’s different. So, ladies, there should be no obligation to have a sticky conversation if you just want out. If you must, I say, make the fake escape.

However, hope springs eternal with a lesser discussed third type of fake orgasm. The “fake it till you make it” fake, the “I’m just gonna scrunch up my face and make sexy noises and hey, that’s kinda hot, this is kinda working for me” fake. This is most effective when you’ve made some ground already—when you’re almost there, sometimes starting to fake it can send you that much further over the edge to the magical lost kingdom of climax.

So that’s my advice for this week. Men, if you want to know if she’s faking it—ask her. Women, if you want to try out your acting skills and go for the easy exit—do it, but think about why you aren’t exploring the more transparent option.

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