‘Don’t you wish you peaked in high school like the rest of us?’
By Isabelle Orr, Entertainment Editor
In an intensive study conducted by several teams of social scientists, it was confirmed that 98 percent of people from your graduating class are now married and/or pregnant.
Yes—even the ugly ones.
Interestingly enough, compared to those who moved away, the people who stayed in your hometown after graduation had an 89 percent increase in overall happiness and a 92 percent chance of listening to Eagle-Eye Cherry and wearing Billabong-brand clothing.
Albert July, head of the research team, had this to say:
“It seems that almost everyone in your graduating class luckily found the loves of their lives in a convenient 10-kilometer radius from the town they grew up in. Even more luckily, their mate attended the same elementary and high school as them. What are the odds?”
He later added, “The odds are very, very low.”
Detailed reports show that people who bullied you personally often found love with each other. Other Press reporters spoke to expecting couple Wyatt Dilton and Taylor Penstalk, both of whom are blonde.
“We bonded over how normal we are and how well we fit as cogs in the machine of society,” Penstalk said, looking into her husband’s eyes. “We never felt out of place in this small town, and we are completely happy with every aspect of our lives.”
Almost everyone surveyed had found internal peace and was totally content with their life choices to date. The study also showed that almost all participants had perfect mental health and never thought about their impending death or whether or not they are a burden on society.
“I’ve never experienced depression,” said Maya Pile, mother of two and wife of Tyler Poesatt, mill worker. “Whenever I’m sad I just think of the amazing life God provided for me.”
“I live two blocks away from my parents, and they live several blocks from the cemetery their own parents are buried in,” Emily Duchen, one of your high school classmates, told reporters. “It’s nice being part of a community that welcomed me, because I am normal in every way that appeals to them and never longed for anything other than comfortable suburban bliss and am rewarded as such.”
Duchen and her heterosexual boyfriend Curtis Norris are expecting their fourth child this summer.
“I sure pity anyone who isn’t happy like me,” Duchen added.