‘when are you coming home to visit. love mom. ps dog died.’
By Isabelle Orr, Entertainment Editor
Against all odds, your mother finished a novel last Sunday and thinks that you might like it as well.
After reading said book, the woman who gave you life sent you several rambling text messages that suggested she knew nothing about the book she just read.
“just finished good book, had good plot. love mom,” said one text at 3:43 pm.
“did you get my text? book here waiting for you,” said another at 4:58 pm.
Reporters reached out to your brother, who had received no texts from your mother.
“She never texted me,” he said, obviously wounded that he wasn’t the golden child. “How would she know what you like to read? She doesn’t even remember how old you are. She thought you were turning 24 the last three years in a row.”
Other Press reporters took these confusing texts to Miranda Caraway, Dean of Sociology at SFU.
“I find it puzzling that she signed the text ‘love mom’ as if you wouldn’t know that the texts were coming from her,” said Caraway. “Moreover, she gives us no indication about who the novel was by, what it was actually about, et cetera. Really just zero information to go off of here.”
A voice message left by your mother Monday afternoon had the following excerpt: “By the way, I still have that book for you here. It’s by the woman who wrote that other book about the people in the war. You know, the one about the two people and how their lives connect. Anyway, it’s the same writer. Do you want some green beans from the garden? Let me know. By the way, your dad is still working on the bloody kitchen. The book is sitting on the top of the stairs.”
Reporters also reached out to your father for his side of the story.
“Yes, she’s been reading something or other for the last couple weeks,” he said via telephone. “It’s been a nice break from her nagging me to finish the wood cabinets in the kitchen.”
During the interview with the man who raised you, it became clear that he, too, knew nothing about the book or why you would be interested in it at all.
“I think it had a red cover… maybe blue. I think it had something to do with an Irish family, or an Irish Setter dog. I didn’t really listen to her when she was talking about it. To be honest, she never really reads that much. I think this might be the first book she’s read in at least a year.”
The story developed further with another text from your mom on Tuesday evening at 6:47 pm.
“just stopped by the library to find another book as good as last. no luck. also grandma hamlin passed away. so sad.”