Canadian Tire-d of this bullshit

 

Canadians take bold course of action to secure their funds

By David Manky, Columnist

With the Canadian dollar nearing an all-time low, some citizens have taken the liberty of converting their money into the more stable Canadian Tire Dollar.

“I just want to know my money is safe,” said Chuck Douglas, a 34-year Mission, BC resident. “I don’t want to go to the bank and get 3 quarters American for a loonie. If that means converting all of my money into cold, hard Canadian Tire cash, that’s what I’ll do.”

When asked how he planned to buy items not regularly stocked by the retail super-store, such as fresh food, Douglas could only reply with an expression of confusion and regret.

The weakened dollar has affected all of Canada, and with no signs of improvement in the near future, Douglas is not the only one abandoning the sinking ship of the Royal Canadian Mint to board Canadian Tire’s amply-inflated dinghy of hope.

Canadian currency exchanges are being made in record numbers, sending the store’s currency, the “Canadian Tire Dollar” (CTD), skyrocketing.

As of October 30, the value of the CTD has surpassed that of the US Dollar, which has begun to pique the interest of our neighbours to the south.

“We’re seeing a very large number of American visitors, uncharacteristically high for this time of year,” Peace Arch border guard Don Roberts stated in an interview.

Seeing such success with an in-store currency, other retail giants have following suit by implementing their own privately regulated dollars.

In a Saturday press conference, BC Walmart representative Craig Walton had this to say: “Here at Walmart, we have no plans for citizens to be able to trade in their Canadian currency for ‘Walmart Dollars,’ we only plan for our customers to continue trading in their morals and ethics for cheap, imported goods.”

For the time being, it appears the CTD will thrive as the only privately regulated form of currency north of the border, and with Canadian Tire making a name for itself on the international scale, it’s hard to see an end to their worldwide economic presence. So will we see the CTD surpass precious metals as the new gold standard in economic value? This reporter sure thinks so.