Police urge criminals to get their act together
By Sharon Miki, Humour Editor
After a wave of embarrassingly stupid crime, Vancouver police are pleading with local criminals to get their shit together.
“Look you guys—at this point, we are more concerned with your state of mind than with what you’re doing,” said police chief, Jack Bauer, at a press conference held Monday. “You’re leaving behind really stupid clues, you’re confessing for stuff without being questioned, and you’re ratting on each other left and right… it’s getting awkward.”
Crime in the city has declined to record lows in recent months, indicating an overwhelming sense of apathy by formerly dedicated career criminals. Robberies have all but stopped, with a correlating spike in people just giving up on crime and getting 9-to-5 jobs in retail. Bribery and intimidation charges are becoming hard to find, with criminals opting to just talk things out with counsellors, apparently. People are still trying to assault each other, but only halfheartedly so no one’s really getting hurt any more.
Chief Bauer pointed to a number of factors that could be responsible for the decline in criminal intelligence in the city, citing distractions like Candy Crush, Flappy Bird, and excitement over the upcoming season of Game of Thrones.
“Criminals in this town used to have some semblance of a plan. I’m not saying they were Martha Stewart when it came to organization, but we felt that they were at least clear on what they were trying to do.”
In addition to pleading with the criminals, Bauer took the opportunity to make the situation all about himself.
“It’s not that we don’t appreciate how bad you guys are at what you’re doing—if anything, it makes our job much, much easier. But we all went through a lot of training to become cops, you know? Our skills are going to decline if you guys don’t starting picking things up.
“If you need some direction, we have suggestions for you. We’ve read studies that suggest that watching violent movies and playing graphic video games can lead people to a life of crime—perhaps trying these things will reignite your pride in your vocation,” suggested Bauer. “Also, not that we’re saying you should start doing drugs, but… we’ve also heard that marijuana can be a gateway drug to violent crime. So a visit to your friend Tim’s basement for a toke might do just the trick, as well. Just ideas! We’re rooting for you. And remember: communication—with yourselves and with your criminal associates—is key.
“Criminal masterminds aren’t born that way; it takes hard work.”