Class roles already set firmly in place

Social ranking is EVERYTHING

By Isabelle Orr, Contributor

The students of Communications 111 were dealt a heavy blow when it was revealed that their roles within the class were solidified for the upcoming semester.

“This isn’t how I wanted to spend the next four months, but I guess the choice was mine to make,” Alex Jurgens, Class Clown, said to Other Press reporters at a press release. “I didn’t help myself by coming in nine minutes late and saying, ‘What up, playboy’ to my professor.”

“I’m happy with my social standing,” Simone Beauchemin, the Hottest Girl in Class, said as she flipped her silky-smooth hair over her shoulder.  “Personally, I think the roles fit everyone super well.”

Though the students had only attended one class together, they were told that their positions were permanent, and would remain in each student’s mind long after the class finished.

“I didn’t think that my natural aptitude for grandiose words and my inability to read social situations would result in being labelled as the Class Nerd,” said Chelsea Reed, pushing her glasses up her nose. “I don’t see how this is fair or just.”

“I’m like, totally cool with it,” Jason McLeod, Jock Who Every Guy Wants to Be and Every Straight Girl Wants to Be With said. “Between school and practice, life can get pretty confusing. I like how this is one absolute that I can totally abide by.”

“Man, Simone is really hot,” McLeod added. “Do you think I have a chance to get with her?”

Richard Sawyer, the Professor Who Seems Crabby But Has a Heart of Gold, isn’t surprised by the outcome.

“If you’ve taught as much as I have—over twenty years—you get pretty good at determining what roles people will play,” he said, looking covertly at a tintype photograph of his wife who had sadly passed away from breast cancer (which students will discover as they slowly break through Sawyer’s tough exterior). “Call me traditional, but I think I’m going to have an initially troublesome but ultimately rewarding experience teaching Alex Jurgens.”

Other Press reporters learned through a class survey that although the students are strangers to each other, they expect that Communications 111 would help them make friendships and relationships that would last a lifetime—possibly altering their life paths forever.

“We’re all so different now,” Katie Peters, Peppy Keener, said as she gazed fondly at the empty classroom. “But by the end of the semester… Who knows? Maybe we just might surprise you.”

“I wanted to be the cool film guy,” Jurgens said. “I wonder if it’s too late to transfer into another class?”

Reporters noted that if Chelsea Reed took her glasses off and pulled her hair back, she could give Simone Beauchemin a run for her money.