Heart surgery accident makes regular hooker into hooker with heart of gold

Doctors still baffled by this movie miracle

By Liam Britten, Chief Working Correspondent

Scantily dressed in shabby clothes, underfed, and possibly drug addicted, Diana Abbott could be just like any other working girl on the Downtown Eastside.

However, there’s something different about this 44-year-old prostitute. She may not have Julia Roberts’ glamorous looks, but she’s kind, honest, and gentle—truly a Pretty Woman, and the archetypal “hooker with a heart of gold.”

“I give veterans $10 hand jobs. I believe in doing the right thing,” she told The Other Press.

However, this “heart of gold” was not come by honestly.

Abbott claims it was a surgical mistake made at during a heart transplant procedure that gave her this generous outlook.

“I went in to get my heart checked out, because I kept dying briefly,” she said. “And then these fuckin’ doctors, they tell me that the whole thing has to come out. And I’m like, ‘That’s bullshit,’ but then I had another heart attack, and when I woke up, they already plopped it in me.”

However, the hospital denies those allegations. Already under investigation for rampant cases of C. difficile infections contracted by patients, documents leaked to The Other Press last Thursday suggest that accidents such as Abbott’s mix-up, may be worse than previously thought.

“To be frank, do people think that this hospital is just made of golden hearts that get lost every day?” wrote hospital spokesperson Dr. Edith Cummings in response to an email from The Other Press. “This isn’t Lions Gate, for Pete’s sake.”

Dr. Cummings said that in cases where a prostitute needs a heart transplant, they would simply look for the most appropriate donor: someone with a cold, unloved hooker heart.

“We have our ethics and policies, and we are proud of them,” Dr. Cummings added. “Hearts of gold are valuable, and we save them for only adorable little girls, brave firefighters, and possibly heroic dogs who can dial 911. Not whores.”

While Abbott’s new heart has turned the once feisty, tough streetwalker into a beacon of kindness in her underprivileged neighbourhood, it is negatively affecting her career, reports her pimp, a man who simply goes by “Goose.”

“That goddamn bitch keeps giving these tricks discounts!” Goose said. “I’ve got a drug addiction of my own to maintain, and if my best girl isn’t pulling in the cash, I might have to go back to working at the accounting firm. Fuck that!”

As of press time, Abbott says she plans to go in for surgery again to have a conventional heart put in as a replacement.

“I’ll probably trade this thing to my dealer. I’ll bet you it’s worth at least a 20-rock,” she said.