Fat Tuesday
By Kirsten Scott-Wuori, Contributor
Did you forget to wear a shirt today? Did you wear too many shirts today? Were you so hungry after lunch that you found yourself eating barely-trash Timbits from the cafeteria garbage can? Did you get your period in any memorable way? We want to know about it. We know that there are times in your life when you look at yourself and you can barely believe the shameful person looking back at you—but don’t worry! There’s absolutely absolution in sharing. Get it off your chest. Send us your most cringe-worthy confessions at humour@theotherpress.ca, and spread the shame.
Last week I ordered some food for myself for delivery—just a large pizza, chicken wings, breadsticks, and a salad—not too much, right? The girl taking my order asked how many sets of cutlery I would like with my order. What kind of question was that? Would she judge me if I said just one? So I said three. Three seemed like a suitable number for someone with my apparently huge appetite.
As soon as I hung up, I changed the show I was watching on TV (Real Housewives) to hockey (people watch hockey in groups, right?) and turned on some music in the background—I wouldn’t need to start running the tap in the bathroom until the doorbell rang. I anxiously awaited the arrival of the delivery guy, mentally going over my story in my head in case he asked any prying questions.
When the doorbell rang, I made sure to call out “I’ll get it!” just to solidify my story; why would I yell that out if I was alone, right?
After all the hassle of getting the food I was so exhausted that I only ended up eating two slices of pizza and the salad. But I was so paranoid, I still set the table for three. It was a weirdly lonely night.
—Paris, 22, Coquitlam
