By Sharon Miki, Humour Editor
RE: Really great job opportunity
Dear Ms. Serafini,
I am writing to enquire if you have any vacancies in your company. I was referred to you by Eric Wilkins, and I believe that I am an excellent candidate to fill any positions that you might presently have to fill. I enclose my resumƩ for your information. I am very confident and excited in this opportunity.
As my resumƩ shows you, I have a diverse milieu of work experience, ranging from retail to administrative to somatic engagement work. I was also a culinary conveyance operative for several years. It is because of this complex experience that I know that I can serve your company well.
Well, I mean, if weāre being honest, I can probably serve your company reasonably well. What I was saying earlier about my work experience is totally mostly true. Basically, I had a lemonade stand when I was a kid, and I take pretty good notes in class, and I lift weights. Oh, and I worked as a server for about a week. So, thatās experience, right?
One thing I am actually very confident about is my ability to seamlessly work well both as an individual and as part of a team. You can count on me for that.
I mean, donāt count on me count on me though. Because a lot of my teamwork skills have a lot to do with how much I like my coworkers. I generally donāt like working with other women, and I also donāt like working with men. So as long as Iām not working with any other humans, I will be great at teamwork.
I am also super conscientious and pay a lot of attentin to detale. You can ask any of my references (attached).
Well, maybe donāt actually call those references. Thereās some drama there that you probably donāt want to get in to. Just take my word for it.
Oh goodness, why would you take my word for anything? Again, if Iām being honest, Iām a bit of a compulsive liar.
In sum, I would love to discuss the possibility of my future employment with your company. Or not. Whatever.
This is it,
Sharon
