Douglas security statement puts college students at ease

‘All your missing bikes go to bike heaven, don’t worry about it’

Klara Woldenga, Humour Editor

According to a recent survey, over 1500 bicycles are stolen in Vancouver every year, and in the summer months, nine bikes are stolen every day. Bike theft is just as much of a concern in Vancouver as it is here at Douglas College. While the Douglas College security team are able to retrieve a large number that go missing during the year, permanent bike theft is still an issue that they take very seriously. Last Monday, the Douglas College security team issued a statement in the hopes to put college students more at ease.

“It is our recent discovery that all bikes that are stolen and never returned simply go to bike heaven,” stated Mark Hander, head of the Douglas College security team. “In bike heaven there are huge, paved, flat areas for the bikes to roam around on. There are also tree-filled mountains for those bikes that wish for more adventure. In bike heaven all bikes get along with each other, regardless if they are fixie, mountain, or BMX. They always have enough oil for all their gears and there is no rust at all. They are very happy. Frankly, we should all hope our bikes end up in this magical place.”

This statement seemed to put a lot of cycle-enthusiasts at ease.

“When my bike went missing I was extremely upset; my way of life was put on hold,” stated Jared Lamment, biology major and daily bicycle commuter. “I really cared for it, and I’m still sad it’s gone, but I’m glad that my bike is in a better place. Bike heaven sounds like a good place for it to be; the place it deserves to be.”

“I’m super glad it exists,” stated Chris Jackson, psychology major and cycle marathoner. “Bikes do so much for us, they really deserve a nice afterlife.”

When asked whether or not unicycles are awarded the same afterlife, Hander was quick to respond.

“No, they are not bicycles, they are unicycles. Unicycles go straight to hell.”