Today you will be taped to a chair and be forced to watch a Maury marathon. Come on, we all know it’s your guilty pleasure.
When life expects to put a square peg in a round hole, don’t conform and put rectangle pegs in triangle holes instead.
Appearances can be deceiving. For example, did you know that ball of fluff next to you is actually a huge sleeping rat?
Now would be a good time to start mapping out your life as an adult. Contrary to what you believe, beer pong is not an Olympic sport, so you can stop practicing.
Today you will run naked through the streets proclaiming to have discovered calcium. Maybe you should quit whatever it is you’re smoking.
Sometimes, it’s easier to think about food than the homework in your classes. This is probably why all your notebook papers have doodles of pizzas on them.
Your life is going to change. Ten years from now you’ll be a Conservative who listens to soft rock.
It’s time to refill yourself. My advice? Go drink tons of pen ink. You’ll need the ink inside you for the semester.
You would make an excellent judge. After all, you’ve always been partial to wearing black-and-red robes.
One person in your circle of friends will leave you forever. This person is your link to sanity and without him or her, you will go on a destructive rampage.
It can be hard to break old habits, but doing so will stop you from crowing like a rooster every sunrise.
You always thought that your job was making you crazy. Maybe it’s a sign that you should stop volunteering at the psychiatric hospital.
With files from Livia Turnbull