Illustration by Cara Seccafien
‘You guys won’t be around for much longer anyway,’ say aliens
By Klara Woldenga, Entertainment Editor
A decade ago the United States received an encrypted audio message from outer space. As of last week, after spending billions of dollars and thousands of work hours, the message has finally been deciphered, but it doesn’t look good.
“I don’t understand it,” Mary Alden, head of the NASA Department of Decoding, told the Other Press. “We spent all of this time decoding the message and we find that it’s about them not wanting to chill with us? Talk about disappointment, fam.”
According to the report NASA filed, the aliens’ message discusses their curiosities towards the human race but states that, ultimately, they aren’t interested in hanging with Earth. The recording starts as any message would, stating: “Sorry for the late response, we were just away for the weekend,” and then proceeds to discuss the alien’s weekend activities as “totally chill (-2039 degrees Celsius)” and “We just needed some collective self-care, you know?”
There follows a two-minute pause in conversation during which munching is heard. NASA assumes this munching to involve space potato chips.
“All-dressed chips, maybe. We aren’t 100 percent sure,” said Alden. “All we can be certain of is that they aren’t ruffled.”
After the munching ends, the aliens finally move onto the bulk of the message, collectively saying, “Woaaaaaaah. You guys are way more violent than we thought you were. Your planet is so beautiful, why are you so angry?”
Mumbling, followed by a collective voice that says “You know what… We’re going to sit you guys out. I’m sure when you kill everyone your planet will still be habitable, and probably in better shape than when you left it. See ya!”
The recording is followed by more rustling and idle talking, which initially confused researchers.
“After the main message we figured out that the aliens forget to turn off their recorder,” said Alden. “Nerds.”
After some incoherent murmurs, a clear voice is heard on the recording.
“Don’t worry, we’ll be back in like… 1000 years?” the voice is heard saying. “Bill? Is that what the computer says? Oh… 100 years? That soon? Well, our computers don’t lie, just like us. I’m sure they’ll have fun! They have so many wars, they must enjoy them.”
The final minutes of the recording have caused quite a stir in the NASA community, resulting in an information cold war and two department wars involving spitballs and general slapping.
“It’s not our fault!” said Rose Walker, head of NASA’s communication department, in defense of her department’s slapping. “The HR department started it.”
Currently, NASA is crafting a response, stating that “We have put our best people to work in writing a perfect, simple message to the aliens which will entice them to answer back.”
NASA’s “U up?” message is set to launch in 2021.
