Love is in the app!
By Isabelle Orr, Entertainment Editor
It’s almost time for the best day of the year—Valentine’s Day!
“How could that be your favourite day of the year, Isabelle?” you’re probably asking. Well, though I approach the areas of love and relationships with the crusty outlook of a war veteran, I love drugstore chocolates and the colour red more than the average person.
No special someone for V-Day this year? Don’t fret! Try updating your dating app bio to any of these—guaranteed to make you say, “Thanks, Isabelle! You have great hair and good style and I genuinely like you as a person and think you’re very funny and charming.”
I love my mommy
This lets everybody know that you already have one special girl in your life—and it’s the one who gave you life! This bio has the added bonus of showing that you’re compassionate, loving, and value the strong ties of familial bonds over all else. When messaging potential dates, be sure to tell them that although your mommy is number one, there’s room in your heart for two (three including your father)! Bonus points if all of your photos are of you and your mom.
NEED DATE ASAP WILL PAY
This strong opener shows that not only are you assertive and know what you want, you also have the financial means to back it up. What is the date for, you ask? It doesn’t matter! The all-caps conveys a certain urgency that tells your potential sweetie, “You better move FAST because I have a social function that needs a date AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!” Haggling over the price will make a sweet story to tell your future children.
We are a couple, looking for a third 😉
People love seeing this bio. It shows that you’re able to be in a committed, stable relationship and are able to organize your time well. Make sure to add that you love rave music and that you’re both sober but are 420-friendly. When they show up for the date, they’ll be shocked and amazed to find that they’re the only apple of your eye! Ménage à deux!
Here for a good time, not a long time (because I’m going to prison next week)
Like NEED DATE ASAP WILL PAY, this shows that if anybody wants to nab you in time for Valentine’s Day, they better shoot their shot! It also has the added benefit of showcasing you as a badass. What are you going to jail for? Who’s to say? Perhaps a… crime of passion?
This is my very own tried-and-true Tinder bio. Note the lack of capitalization and punctuation—it shows you’re too cool to be constrained by petty things like grammar. It’s forward, so people know you’re DTF (down to French). It’s vague, not telling too much about you. And finally, it’s the one I’ve been using for years with a mixed success rate, and I’m much too jaded and tired to change it now. Happy Valentine’s Day!