I’ll travel to yo momma’s house! Heyooo!
By Isabelle Orr, Entertainment Editor
Summer lovin’, happened so fast! Except it doesn’t happen fast, unless you have a rich mommy and daddy to ship you off to Berlin or Montreal for the summer under the guise of “seeing the world” (when instead I assume you binge drink in different hostels with packs of Irish people). For the rest of us plebs, the summer consists of nothing more than working a soul-crushing job with paper towel scrunched up underneath our armpits, waiting for the clock to hit five so we can binge drink in a hostel with a pack of Irish people.
But don’t let your jet-setting friends know that! Here are some ways to look your absolute best so when they come back from Belize, they’ll think, Damn, I sure wish I toiled away at a gruelling job instead of spending a life-changing summer watching the sun set on golden sands with a pack of Scottish people.
Bronzer and self-tanner
If it’s good enough for Gwyneth, it’s good enough for you! Besides, the sun is bad for your skin, right? You’re pretty much way healthier than your friend Sam, even though thanks to her yearly summer trip to Greece she kind of radiates golden light, something you will never, ever achieve. Go ahead and try by buying the cheapest self-tanner in the drugstore closest to your house. Don’t know how to apply it? Just go for it! Don’t shower, exfoliate, or even read the tube. After all, there’s no directions on the sun, right?
Isn’t it nice that you aren’t self-conscious about your feet at all? I mean, I would be if I had feet like yours. Like, your big toe is pretty much the biggest big toe I’ve ever seen. And your little toe kind of sticks out to the side in a weird way. But I love how you just, like, own it. I love that for you.
Big ol’ tote bag
That’s right—throw caution to the wind by throwing all of your stuff into this big bag! No, there’s nothing fancy like dividers or pockets or anything that would make this bag into something like the common purse. That’s why totes are so fun! And beachy! What’s that? Where are your keys? And phone? That’s part of the fun—you never really know!
Fun “beachy” braid you saw on a YouTube video
If this midwestern teen shooting the video can do it, why can’t you! Sure, she’s been braiding horse manes since she came out of the womb, but that shouldn’t stop you. Tie your hair back in a seven-piece, wraparound, crown braid with a French twist to really feel those ocean vibes. Can’t fully complete the braid? Just throw a hat on, loser.
Wear a hat
Sure, why not. It’s not like you have anyone to impress anyway. Cover your head because who even cares about you? Don’t wear anything summery; feel free to use the same disgusting beanie you’ve been wearing all winter and don’t fully let dry so it smells like socks. Complete the look with a big hoodie hiding your body and go ahead and chew on those hoodie strings to complete the ensemble. God, we suck. Next summer we’ll travel, okay?