Kim Kardashian levels of bad
By Isabelle Orr, Entertainment Editor
Has this ever happened to you? You’re with your sweet, adorable partner, watching another terrible episode of Riverdale, siphoning off your roommate’s wine and eating three-day-old stir fry. Suddenly, apropos of nothing, they begin to sob. The reasons may vary, but one thing’s for sure—they look weird. Does the sweet, tender touch of love really conquer all? No, it doesn’t. Here are five simple ways to comfort your partner even though they’re really, really gross when they cry.
Kind and helpful! Of course, you probably don’t have any real tissues lying around, so feel free to wad up some toilet paper. If you’re feeling a bit more generous, use some of that paper towel that you stole from a church basement during that one wedding you went to. The nice thing about this move is that if you ball up enough paper, you can efficiently mask their face that you just noticed looks like their father when they scrunch their mouth up like that.
Try and get to the root of their problem. Is it something about their work or family life? Unfortunately, it’s probably one of those two boring options. Buckle in and get ready to hear about what their mother said to them over Facebook Messenger for what could possibly be the fifth or sixth time. Remember to nod and tilt your head sympathetically at different intervals while ignoring the strings of snot coming out of their nose.
Try and make out
Perhaps this could cheer them up? After blotting some of the mucus off their face, go in for the kill, champ! Nope! You misread this situation. Now they’re really upset. Abort mission!
Start tidying up around them
Not only will it give you something to do other than looking them in their weepy eyes, this move will also further solidify the fact that you are now the caregiver of the home. Start piling books, shoes, or whatever you can find around them like a nest, because they are now a baby bird and you’re going to have to start regurgitating food into their mouth so it’s easier for them to digest.
Swaddle them in a blanket and give them a bottle
Clear lines have been drawn in your relationship and you are now both their lover and their mother. Absolutely no kissing will happen on this night. Prepare a nice hot cup of hot chocolate or warm milk, then tuck them into bed while reading Goodnight Moon. Remember this night when you have a breakdown in one to three weeks about an exam and ugly-cry during the season finale of The Good Place.