Fright life?

New haunted house gets what really scares you

By Sharon Miki, Humour Editor

Attention, guys and ghouls: it’s almost Halloween, which means it’s the one time of year when people are bored enough to pay to get scared. It is in the spirit of this seasonal scary tradition that a local Vancouver amusement park, LaughLand, is opening a new, ultra-modern, terribly frightening haunted house—and it particularly appeals to college students.

“The idea behind LaughLand’s new haunted house is that the most horrifying things in life aren’t ghosts and mummies; young adults’ greatest fears are things like debt, commitment, and the loss of their precious youth,” explained LaughLand Fun.E.O., Emma Scare. “By confronting our guests with the gruesome realness of reality, we offer a terrifying experience that is unmatched in the industry.”

The haunted house has a variety of stressful features designed to stun and haunt visitors. Popular attractions include a room that forces you to calculate the number of months it will take to pay off your student loans if you make only the minimum payment, a pop-up surprise marriage proposal from the person that you know is ultimately wrong for you, and a spooky mirror that shows you what your face will look like when you reach the age that no one bothers to ID you anymore.

“I almost threw up,” said house visitor Jacey Fibb.

“Boo! You’re prematurely balding!” said Archie Comica, explaining the most bloodcurdling revelation he experienced in the house.

“The hall of moving-eye portraits of people who are fundamentally disappointed in how my life is turning out is what scared me,” said guest Jessica Jasmine. “I’m sorry I failed my provincial exams, Daddy!”

Like most adult long-term relationships, the haunted house is easy, fun, and free to get in to, but it is nebulously expensive and complicated to get out of. Located in your worst nightmare, the house is open from October 5 to eternity—which is about how long it will be until you’re able to finally retire with all those student loans you’ve been building.