Photo illustration by Lauren Kelly
‘The seas and beaches are safe for no man,’ says old, peg-legged sailor
By Klara Woldenga, Entertainment Editor
This past week, locals have been soaking up the last bit of sun at Vancouver’s beaches. Unfortunately, a new unexpected terror has risen from the sand: Giant, angry clams. They’re big, they’re angry, and they ate local shellfish allergist specialist Jerry Ankler.
“Jerry was the best, really,” said local yoga studio owner Janice Garcia. “He told me, ‘Don’t eat shellfish, it’ll kill you.’ I didn’t, and I’m still alive today.”
According to witness reports, Ankler was taking his daily log walk on Kitsilano beach when he was attacked by a giant clam.
“He loved those logs so much,” a former client told reporters. “He even had a favorite one he named his wiener dog after.”
At exactly 8:59 am a giant clam, approximately five feet wide and six feet tall, wiggled out of the sand, and went right for Ankler and his wiener dog named Log.
“It’s like the clam knew,” said Edwin Francis, a witness to the horrific event. “It knew that Jerry was a shellfish allergist, trying to keep people from eating clams, and it needed to eat Jerry for revenge—wait, that doesn’t make any sense.”
Reports also state that, before he was eaten, Ankler pointed to the clam, turned to the person nearest to him, and shouted, “DON’T EAT THIS IT’S PROBABLY NOT GOOD FOR YOU!” before the giant clam swallowed Ankler whole, orthopedic shoes and all. It then returned back to the dirty, cigarette-butt-ridden sand from whence it came.
Log the wiener dog was left unscathed and has been set free back into Stanley Park, as per the instructions Ankler wrote in his will only a week before.
“It was awful,” Jake Brophy, witness and log enthusiast, told the Other Press. “We spend so much time eating smaller versions of those clams. It was like an episode of that show, Twilight Zone—I’m Team Edward, by the way.”
So far, this has been the only clam-related death in Vancouver, but the Vancouver police isn’t going to take any chances.
“We’re going to crack down on this before it gets any worse,” Joan Harren, local police deputy, told reporters in a press conference this week. “We’re going to fine the clam $400 for every person it eats. It’s the best deterrent we could think of.”
Although his body has not been found, an open-casket funeral will be held in Ankler’s honour next Sunday. The casket will feature both an oyster bar and EpiPens for those who need them. Max Franklin, longtime friend of Ankler, set the funeral up after learning of his death through an online meme.
“It’s what Jerry would have wanted,” Franklin told reporters. “Or was it what he really didn’t want? I’m not really good at remembering details.”
