Reporters forced to watch ‘Cowspiracy’
By Isabelle Orr, Entertainment Editor
In what some sources call a lateral move, local woman Wendy Robertson announced to press this Sunday that she is taking a big step into the world of veganism.
“It just seemed like the right time for me,” said Robertson, who has an estimated $2,300 in credit card debt. “I’m excited to see what veganism can do for my image.”
Many vegans around the world list environmental concerns, health benefits, and the cruelty of the meat and dairy industry as their reasons for abstaining from animal products.
“Those are all good reasons,” Robertson told Other Press reporters, shoving handfuls of Daiya shredded cheddar into her mouth. “But they’re not why I went vegan.”
Robertson had dabbled in different lifestyle phases—ranging from Girl Who Really Loves Coffee, Girl Who Is Just One of the Guys, and that One Disney Fan Who’s Too Old for It and It Makes Everyone Else Uncomfortable—before turning to veganism.
After graduating from Douglas College with a degree in History, Robertson took a year off to travel to Berlin with her best friend Lana McKenzie. After their month-long trip, McKenzie worked towards her Bachelor of Education and now teaches at a local elementary school.
“Lana totally sold out,” Robertson said at the press release. “We were supposed to go to Chiang Mai together. The next thing I knew, she was putting money towards retirement and going to the dentist. Plus, I saw her eat a grilled cheese the other day. Does she even know that cows have to be artificially inseminated to produce the amount of milk needed to support the dairy industry?”
Other Press reporters contacted McKenzie for her side of the story.
“I love my job,” McKenzie stated from her nicely decorated apartment. “I always told Wendy I was working towards it. Anyway, I was raised vegetarian and urged her to try it during college. Plus I couldn’t go to Chiang Mai because I have a really serious nut allergy. Like, I could die. Did she tell you that part?”
After moving back into her parents’ house at the age of 25, Robertson began buying strange spices, kitchen gadgets, and avocado-themed memorabilia.
“Look at this,” Robertson’s mother Kimberly said, brandishing a reusable plastic container holding a strange pale blob. “What is—I don’t even know what this is. I’ve been pulling stuff out of this damn fridge all day. She’s using every single piece of my Tupperware, for God’s sake!”
Reporters watched as the elder Robertson dug around, pulling out wilted roots from crispers. “She’s never shown much of an interest in veganism. In fact, she once won a rib-eating contest when she was 18. It wasn’t until her brother finished medical school and her sister got hired at an East Coast law firm that she started asking me what seitan was. And don’t even ask, I’ve googled it six times and I’m still not sure what the hell it is.”
“I post around eight vegan things a day,” Wendy Robertson said as she scrolled through her phone, which was most likely a product of unsafe child labour in a developing nation. “They usually range from cute and cuddly animals, or me eating a cruelty-free cupcake, to the inside of a bloody sheep’s intestine. Most people don’t like them, so I’ve lost a lot of followers—but that’s how you know you’re really reaching people.”