Wedding party left in anguish
By Chandler Walter, Assistant Editor
Devastation struck a wedding party last Friday, as what was supposed to be a joyous gathering turned tragic when the groom abruptly declared that he had to leave.
The groom in question, Mark Clover, announced to his best man and groomsman that he was beginning to get cold feet a mere two hours before the ceremony was supposed to commence.
“He had just such a look of terror in his eyes,” said Mik Teabold, the best man of the missing groom. “All he mentioned was something about cold feet, and then he took off down the road in his car.”
Teobold soon—and “accidentally,” if he is to be believed—alerted his girlfriend, Lana Chong, of the situation. Chong, being the maid of honour, felt it was her duty to relay the message to the would-be bride, Tina Larp.
“I’ve never heard a noise come from a human being that was so… piercing,” Chong said. “I thought I was doing the right thing in telling her that Mark was gone, but I know, now, that I probably should have held onto that knowledge for a little while longer. Well, hindsight is 20/20, right?”
Larp immediately called off the wedding, sent all of her—and Clover’s—relatives home, and ordered Chong on a run to McDonald’s for grief chicken nuggets.
“Thank goodness she sent me to McDonald’s,” Chong said. “I don’t know what would have happened if I’d have stayed.”
Evidently, the ex-maid-of-honour ran into Clover in the Walmart’s McDonald’s lineup, as he was picking up a junior chicken and a 15 pack of white socks. Clover, unbeknownst to any of his groomsmen, had forgotten to put on socks that morning, and didn’t want to have “ice-cold feet” when he and his wife-to-be entered their honeymoon bed.
“I honestly have never heard the term ‘cold-feet’ used in any other context than literally just having not warm feet. Until now, of course,” Clover said in an interview. “What an odd way to describe ‘second-thoughts.’ I mean, obviously if I was having second-thoughts about the whole thing, I would say something like: ‘I’m having second thoughts about this whole thing,’ not that my feet are cold.”
Chong and Clover returned to the venue to find the wedding cake destroyed, the pavilion alight in greenish hellfire, and all of the presents missing. They managed to locate the relatives who had left, put out the flames, and order a new cake, which significantly calmed a raging Larp.
The happy couple explained the mix up to everyone, spoke their vows shortly after, and left for a romantic Mexican honeymoon.
Unfortunately, the missing presents were never recovered, though Vancouver police urge all residents to be on the lookout for a tall, bearded man, and a silver-haired woman.