Sniff… sniff… SNNNORT
By Isabelle Orr, Entertainment Editor
Last Sunday, Vancouver residents were treated to local Jude Heizer just really jumbling everything up good in his sinus cavities.
“It’s amazing, really,” bystander Benjamin Mush told reporters. “I’ve been listening to him snort for over six hours now. I’m not sure how much mucus he has in his nose—one would think at least a metric tonne. This is truly an amazing day for everyone involved.”
Some would call it a tale as old as time. Heizer had been caught unawares in a torrential downpour without an umbrella, severely weakening his immune system. Insiders speculated that this was the root cause of him catching the very cold that was the catalyst for his record-breaking snorting.
Patrons and workers of the Vancouver Public Library’s Central branch were privy to the alarming wet rattles emerging from Heizer’s nostril cavities.
Head librarian Gwendolyn Pierce was around for the beginning of the awe-inspiring noises.
“At first I thought there was a pug loose in here,” Pierce said. “I hunted around for the dog for a while. As you know, animals aren’t allowed in public libraries. I thought to myself, those ungodly noises couldn’t possibly be coming out of a human being. Then I rounded the corner and BAM! There he was!”
One of the most surprising things about Heizer’s case is his apparent disregard for those around him.
“I know I, personally, would feel uncomfortable about just sniffing and snorting away like a hippo in a mangrove swamp,” Sierra Hawes, another library patron, told press. “But the way he just keeps going without stopping? Wow. Good for him.”
Another oddity is Heizer’s lack of tissues or Kleenex. What does this mean? Other Press reporters talked to SFU’s Biology Department head, N.E. Bodie.
“Usually, people with a cold will blow their nose into a tissue, or at least dab at it to alleviate leaks,” Bodie said. “Snot can be either thin and runny or thick and viscous. Either way, you’ll always want to keep those sinus pathways nice and clear. But in Heizer’s case—I haven’t the slightest idea what’s going on there. It’s like he’s actively trying to keep the snot in. I don’t know why he wouldn’t just blow his nose like a normal person.”
When asked if it was possible if Heizer was moving mucus from one nostril to the other, Bodie shook his head. “No, that’s not how the human body works. That’s not how any of this works!”
As reporters took interviews back at the library, they were alerted to a new development in the case. Pierce rounded the corner and beckoned the press to follow.
“Come quick! You’re going to want to see this!”
Press followed Pierce down the aisle to where Heizer was making noises like a fish in its death throes. He had begun to clear his throat loudly and viciously, while turning his head to spit directly onto the floor.
When asked for comment, Heizer had only one thing to say: “I’m gonna start dry coughing next. And no—I don’t have any plans to cover my mouth.”