Sources confirm ‘It was going to happen eventually’
By Livia Turnbull, Humour Editor
It’s that time of year again when people rush off to buy candy for themselves and toothbrushes for the kids. However, stores across Canada were feeling a little more Christmasy than usual this year.
“It’s all part of a new holiday,” said Tom Anderson, a stock boy at Target. “We’re calling it Hallomass so people won’t complain about the Christmas items on sale in October.”
After browsing through the store’s many costumes on display—including a bootleg Santa Grinch outfit with “Jolly good fun, yes!” printed on the tag—it was time to face reality: stores really don’t care what kind of holiday the world celebrates.
“Well, we did try to sell Ramadan hams, but nobody liked that idea,” said Anderson. “Come to think of it, our Menorahs in books didn’t sell too well, either. What’s everyone’s problem? Can’t every religion just learn, like, YOLO?”
The Other Press was escorted from the store by security after punching Anderson in the face. However, even the jail seemed like it was gearing up for Hallomass.
“The prisoners really like The Nightmare Before Christmas,” an unnamed prison guard said, indicating a group of teenagers who were arrested for shoplifting.
The teenage shoplifters voiced concerns about maintaining tradition, asserting that it was important to keep Halloween separate from Christmas.
“We just wanted to steal, like, some fake bat wings and stuff,” said Dark Raven, a morbidly obese young lad with oily hair. “But all we could find was Christmas stuff. What the fuck, dude? Christmas makes people happy. We never want to be happy again.”
“I heard if you smear fake blood on your own face and run out into the neighbourhood, people will phone the police,” said Dani Dagger, a known manipulator.
“I just want to be a stripper,” said Misery, a female goth. “I’m gonna be one when I’m forced to pay for college. There’s no hope for me.”
“Halloween is rad, Christmas is bad,” said Raven.
The Other Press spent the rest of the interview listening to the prisoners talk about how Jack Skellington is a metaphor for human existence and how Sally is the chain that drags him back to reality as a mindless drone. It was a long 24 hours.
The Other Press feels confident, following this intensive research, in reporting that holidays don’t matter; consumerism does. Let’s all welcome Hallomass with open arms.