Illustration by Athena Little
How helpful,’ he says
By Erin Meyers, Contributor
In an interview with local murderer, Hugh Mankiller, the infamous criminal discussed his love for the internet.
“Back in the day, we had to size a house up over weeks and weeks. There was a lot of stuff to do, y’know. measuring the door, checking the alarms, guessing how many floors there were, making estimated blueprints of the house, learning the schedules of the people who lived there, etc. Nowadays, all that information is conveniently online!”
What is Hugh Mankiller’s favourite website?
“YouTube is amazing for us guys in the biz. The rich and famous insist on posting videos that detail their exact house blueprints online! I’m subscribed to a lot of channels that provide house tours. My username is ‘MurdererHughLovezHouseTours69’ if you guys want to see my subscriptions.”
But how does the business compare to what it was the ‘60s and ‘70s, when Mankiller was most active?
“Oh, it’s a real animal house nowadays. Back in the day, you could write a taunting message to the cops in your own blood… but unfortunately, those days are gone. This damned younger generation and their DNA testing, they’re killing the killin’ industry. Do you have any idea what they can find out about you with a tissue full of boogies? They can even find you with the crusty sock your dirty teenage nephew threw out!”
What else does Hugh Mankiller hate about the future?
“Cities, dammit. The young people love livin’ in cities, all close to each other. If you can hear a man fuckin’ sneeze quietly upstairs, you can probably hear me making yer neighbour into a soup. Rapidly declining is the number of folks livin’ in the middle of nowhere—young guys entering the biz will never enjoy the classic cornfield, which makes a getaway a ton of fun.”
What are Mankiller’s future goals?
“I’m actually really into embroidery, so I’m hoping I can eventually open a small gallery for all of my works. That truly is the dream.”
