Dealing with anger issues for dummies
By Richard Dick, Senior Columnist
It’s the end of the semester and the end of your rope. You’ve had it up to here. You just can’t take it anymore. How do you keep calm? How can you prevent yourself from ending up on the six o’clock news for screaming at the top of your lungs while streaking through a busy mall? I would not ask me, but I’ll be your guide anyways.
Ohmmmmmmmmmm… Ohmmmmmmmmmmmm…… Channel the energies of the universe through your physical being. Let all your thoughts flow like a branch guided by a lazy river. Look within yourself. Oh my god, is that really what I look like within myself?? Gross!!!
Go for a hike
Tread for several grueling hours through a bunch of animal shit and bugs in the mouth in hopes of finding your favourite peaceful spot. Then, when you finally arrive, find some asshole voyeurs filming themselves fucking in YOUR happy place. Promptly sucker punch an unsuspecting cougar in the head… and then even more promptly get eaten by said cougar for your disrespectful lack of fighting etiquette.
Completely unload your problems on a rando
Completely unload on the kindest and quietest person you can identify on transit. If they seem uninterested in the conversation, pull them into the conversation with extremely tragic personal details—this creates an obligation for them to be kind to you. “All 12 of my dogs died this year and I’ve got a new STD. I need a friend—give me your number?” A sure-fire way to create meaningful relationships without the superfluous cost of a therapist.
Eat some tasty tasty carbs
Weigh yourself down with calorie-heavy meals like pasta and potatoes. You’re not a threat to society once you’re couch locked. In fact, all good pacificists in history have maintained high-carb diets.
My own avant-garde approach to stress (copyright pending): scream whenever and wherever you feel the urge. Then leave the environment you were in very promptly.