Some of the totally viable alternative methods of transportation post-secondary institutions propose
By Richard Dick, Contributor
Since post-secondary institutions have been responding to the TransLink strike chaos with little more than the very unhelpful statement of “maybe look into finding alternative methods of transportation,” here are a few of those alternative methods of transportation that colleges and universities are ignorant enough to think are real options for us losers who take the bus.
Get a car, duh!
Your post-secondary institution really can’t understand why you couldn’t just think of this solution on your own.
Carpool with a friend, you broke-ass
Being one of the most common citied options, schools seem to think that everyone has a friend with a car, forgetting several very difficult steps in this process.
1) Get a friend: Seriously, you think I have friends on campus?
2) Get a friend with a CAR: so first you have to make a genuine friend, then when you learn that they don’t have a car, realize all your effort of adding them on Facebook, asking them what their favorite TV shows were, and listening to their stories about their mundane exam schedule was all for… nothing. Rinse and repeat this process until you can find someone you can openly use for their car and drop that relationship immediately after the strike ends.
3) Get a friend with a car that lives close to you, is on campus on the same days as you—AND at the same times as you so you can also get a ride home… or else you have ask them to stay on campus to wait for you or you have to find SECOND friend with a car who leave campus around the same time as you. Also, you better make with the Naruto and BELIEVE IT—believe that I’m not joining any of these “carpool with some freak rando that goes your school and now will know all of your personal information because everything is literally on your profile!” Facebook groups that keep popping up.
A great option for those who live close to their campuses, and a literal marathon for those who don’t! Ready yourself 15 hours before your 8:30 am class and start your trek to campus for a class where the professor is just going to screen a stupid documentary you could’ve watched at home. Optional: an alpaca to help you trek up any mountainous areas—and to keep you company when you feel lonely.
Bump uglies with someone who lives on or near campus
Pick a random hookup and ensure that it is a student that lives on or near campus, making a sleepover at theirs a necessary condition of your casual encounter. This situation was pretty predictable of TransLink workers: you always get fucked somehow.
Consider getting murdered like people did in the 60s’! How retro! Stick your thumb out near the road, the universal symbol for “I’m too broke for a car, and too determined to get to my destination to consider the consequences.”
Open your inner eye, achieve enlightenment, realize the burden your physical body is, transcend your form, and adapt to your new spiritual embodiment—and then exclusively use this newfound meaning in life to attend your English lecture.