You probably can’t handle a monkey anyway
By Tariq Ghanzi, Contributor
Imagine if Michael Jackson’s pet monkey had punched him out over a banana; I bet you’d feel different about pet monkeys then.
A quick Google search will tell you that Texas has anywhere between two and five thousand tigers inside of its borders. When considering where the world’s tiger population resides, Texas is near the top of that list—and only India has more tigers. But there is a difference between the average Indian tiger and every Texas tiger; Indian tigers are natural to India and are frequently wild while Texas tigers are pets. That’s weird, tigers are like 500 to 700 pounds of muscle and apex predator instincts; their whole existence revolves around killing stuff. Tigers are not meant to be pets, but tigers are not the only animal that shouldn’t be a pet.
Other exotic animals people have as pets include giraffes and monkeys. Though someone might propose that a giraffe is just a limousine horse, they are different enough that they shouldn’t be kept as pets. They are probably prone to weird giraffe diseases and I bet they eat a ton of food. I doubt they eat any leaf on any tree or bush so I’m not even sure that you could just put them in a backyard to graze.
Monkeys are weird pets too because they are so smart and capable. The fact that psychology experiments done on monkeys can translate to humans freaks me out that some people want them as pets. Plus, monkeys are really strong and have sharp teeth, so if it wanted to fight you it might win or at least it could put up a good fight. Imagine if Michael Jackson’s pet monkey had punched him out over a banana; I bet you’d feel different about pet monkeys then. But that’s the reality of the monkey world, they throw poo and beat each other up all the time, and that’s too much work for a pet if you ask me.
Even reptiles are kind of weird as pets. They’re low maintenance, which is cool, but they are also uncaring predators. I mean, does your pet snake even like you or does it just hang out with you cause you’re warm and it thinks it could eat you? I will admit that lizards are kind of cool though so maybe they get a pass, but the big ones are probably better off free and in the wild. I think if a person with big hands can’t easily lift the lizard with two hands, then it’s a no go for the pet shop. If someone who is 6’5 couldn’t easily lift the lizard then its probably too much lizard for animal companionship.
Exotic pets should be a no go for obvious reasons. They have specialized needs, distinct eating habits, and are probably dangerous to the average human. If you’re Mike Tyson you could fight your pet tiger if you have to, but I’ve seen small cats scratch the hell out of enough people to know that bigger isn’t better.