Justin Trudeau lands war-starting elbow on the President of the United States

Photo illustration

Photo illustration

#Elbowgate ignites conflict between neighbouring nations

By Jake Wray, Senior Columnist

The United States of America and Canada are at the brink of war after Prime Minister Justin Trudeau elbowed President Barack Obama during a joint-security meeting late last night.

“Words cannot describe the betrayal I felt when my close friend viciously assaulted me,” said an emotional Obama during an emergency broadcast to the nation.

“This Act of Terror cannot go unanswered. An attack on one of us is an attack on all of us. Our military will respond swiftly and with great fury.”

As American troops amass at the 49th parallel and AC-130 gunships circle the skies over Vancouver and Ottawa, little is clear about the elbowing incident and the events that led up to it.

Representatives from Canada and the United States have both confirmed that Trudeau and Obama were at Camp David over the weekend to discuss mutual security threats such as ISIS, Russia, and George R. R. Martin’s health.

The two world leaders had a productive day of meetings on Monday before settling down for a friendly game of Monopoly after dinner. From that point on, accounts from each country are vastly different.

Sources close to the President, speaking on condition of anonymity, told the Other Press that Trudeau lost his temper after Obama secured both Boardwalk and Park Place. The sources claim that Trudeau called Obama a “Fucking capitalist pig,” before leaping across the table and savagely elbowing the President multiple times. They began to tousle, and Secret Service agents and Trudeau’s RCMP security detail engaged in a lengthy gunfight before the two government leaders could be separated. The sources allege that Trudeau and his entourage fled Camp David and escaped back to Canada using experimental stealth technology that the Canadian government is developing for Saudi Arabia.

The Prime Minister gave his own version of events during an emergency press conference on Parliament Hill this morning.

“It was only a light bump, it was completely accidental,” Trudeau said between sobs.

“The Community Chest card stack was a little askew, so I leaned over to straighten it out, and I guess I accidentally brushed his chest with my elbow. I never thought it would come to this.”

Trudeau confirmed to reporters that there was a small-arms fight between security forces, but refused to explain how he made it back to Canada safely.

“Stealth technology? I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he said, as he loosened his tie.

Trudeau has offered a formal apology to Obama, but the President is still considering military action.

More to come as this story develops.

The Other Press

The Other Press, Douglas College's student newspaper since 1976. Articles, insight and updates from the New West and Coquitlam campuses.

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24 comments on “Justin Trudeau lands war-starting elbow on the President of the United States
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