Optimist realizes it’s a cruel, cruel world
By Cazzy Lewchuk, Staff Writer
On Saturday, June 28, graduate Justin Daniels of the secondary school class of 2014 finally realized the truth about the rest of his life. A mere two weeks after taking his last high school exam, Daniels was suddenly hit with the bitter realization of what lay ahead for him in the next five years and beyond.
“At first I was really excited about university,” he told the Other Press. “Sure, it would probably be tough and a bit pricey, but it would prepare me for a financially and personally satisfying career. I just got a job at Old Navy, which I figured would help to pay for my tuition and leave me with valuable job experience and connections. I also got a student loan, which I was told would be interest-free for awhile and be easy to renew.”
With tears in his eyes, he explained what had changed his optimism: “Absolutely nothing. All my friends told me they hated their retail jobs and were eating discounted cat food for a week after paying for their tuition, but I thought they were just making exaggerated points to underline an important issue in a satirical way. Then I actually paid my UBC deposit. I thought they just wanted a cheque! I didn’t know they needed real money.”
Asked about the possibility of a better life after university, Daniels seemed overcome with hysterical laughter for several minutes. Finally containing himself, he shouted, “Are you insane?! We’re facing a ruined economy caused by overpopulation, irresponsible baby boomer spending, and disregard for any educational reform! The environment is disappearing quickly, government intervention into private lives is becoming the norm, and superhero movies are getting worse and worse! Did you know Ben Affleck is playing Batman?”
When Daniels was questioned about his only just now coming to these conclusions, he explained, “After graduating high school, I decided I needed to start reading more trusted news sources for college students, like BuzzFeed, Vice, and Real Time With Bill Maher. Those guys know what’s up! I don’t know why my high school teachers never referred to them.”
Upon press time, Daniels was contemplating his choice of double-major at UBC—Education and Political Science—and weeping openly while sipping a bottle of cheap rum.