Thousands die in adorable yet brutal civil war
By Liam Britten, Senior Fuzzy-Wuzzy Correspondent
The landlocked African nation of Chad has been wracked by civil wars, coups d’état, and rebellions for the better part of its 52-year existence. However, stability may have been achieved, albeit with a heavy and still unknown cost, as a mysterious new rebel leader has claimed victory over the government and declared himself President.
So what do we know of this charismatic figure, other than he is said to torture enemies in brutal ways? He is believed to have previously killed family members and former friends on a whim. As well, he is said to have established secret death camps to punish all those who disobey his tyrannical laws.
Or, maybe it’s for those who disobey his tyrannical paws?
That’s right: this dictator is no ordinary strongman; he’s actually a strong-cat! Formerly a content housecat named Whiskers, “Chairman Meow,” as he’s now known, is the cuddly little despot who could. After using his personal magnetism and adorable snuggling ability to take charge of a group of narcoterrorists, he’s been leading a campaign of unbridled, cuddly terror upon the desperate people of Chad.
After seizing the capital city of N’Djamena on Thursday in the cutest little street-to-street carnage you’ve ever seen, Chairman Meow declared martial law—or maybe he declared martial claw! Regardless, the Red Cross believes over 500 people were executed that day by his death squads. The Chairman has gripped Chad like no other tyrant has been able to in years, and appears to have finally filled the power vacuum—hey, maybe now he’ll outlaw actual vacuums!
The Chairman is said to be intensely paranoid, and only appears in front of a small inner circle of advisors, or anyone who rattles a bag of Temptations in front of him. The new Minister of Information, Mahamat Habré, is the public face of the regime, and he gave The Other Press some insight into the Chairman’s fluffy little mindset.
“The General is very tired at the moment. He has just led us in glorious battle, and now must sleep for about 20 hours a day, up from his usual 16,” he said in a phone interview. “The General is doing this not only for the people of Chad, but also for another cause: raising funds for the peaceful SPCA. Yes, he supports the peaceful Syndicate for Poisoning Communist Activists very much.”
The Chairman has already begun diplomatic efforts, reaching out to other pariah nations in an attempt to build international trade. He was seen rubbing against the leg of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, leading to speculation that the Islamic Republic may be supplying arms to Chad. He has solidified peace on Chad’s southern border by offering President François Bozizé of the Central African Republic a dead sparrow as tribute.
International observers fear that while the humanitarian crisis is appalling, the greater tragedy may be the international journalism community’s inability to write a story about the Chairman without making adorable cat puns. This is certainly a challenge for many correspondents, as the general is just so darn cute!
As of press time, ethnic violence remains widespread and merciless. D’awww!