‘He could take my job if he really wanted,’ says bus driver
By Isabelle Orr, Entertainment Editor
In one bold move, Greg Moncriff, 46, took claim over two seats on the 99 B-Line last Thursday afternoon.
After boarding the already-crowded bus at the notoriously busy Commercial-Broadway stop, Moncriff established his dominance at the back of the bus by spreading his meaty thighs as wide as his thick denim work jeans would allow.
“I’ve never seen anything like it before in my life,” Krista Von Brees, mother of two and local librarian, told local press. “It was a power move unlike any other. He earned that seat. He earned all those seats on the bus in my eyes.”
Von Brees, who single-handedly raised enough donations to build two elementary schools in a developing nation, wholeheartedly supported Moncriff’s actions. “My children were sitting next to him, so I pulled them off the seats in case he wanted to stretch out even further or even lie down and take a nice nap. Anybody who takes up that much room in a crowded public area probably has a good reason for doing so.”
Moncriff’s displays of masculine excellence didn’t stop there. Witnesses say Moncriff then stretched his legs out as far as he could, leaving his muddy work boots in the aisle for people to trip over.
And trip they did. Ester Montgomery, 82, barely caught herself before hooking her cane on a safety bar and swinging herself to safety.
“Yes, I did dislocate a hip,” Ester commented. “I’m nowhere near as limber as I used to be. But from Moncriff’s pose and generally violent aura I knew I had to bend to his will. Nobody would sit like that if they didn’t earn that seat. In all my years, I’ve never seen such a blatant disregard for personal space and human etiquette. Just stunning!”
Some at the Other Press offices weren’t so quick to assume Moncriff deserved the two seats. We contacted local private investigator Oliver Burke to do some background digging on our transit vigilante.
“I went back pretty far,” Burke said. “I would say there’s a bevy of reasons why he deserved that seat. For example, his favorite show Entourage got taken off of Netflix in 2017. In 1981 he asked for a red Power Rangers toy for Christmas and got the green one instead. Also, his parents divorced when he was 28. That kind of thing really changes a man.”
Burke also noted that on the day of the alleged seat spreading Moncriff had forgotten his lunch at home and had to purchase lunch at a food truck instead.
“It was a vegan juice truck too,” Burke said. “He got vegan take on a banh mi. That’s hardly enough sustenance for a nine-hour construction shift. Yes, Moncriff earned that seat. I would stake my licence on it.”
Moncriff was later seen barging onto the SkyTrain before exiting riders had a chance to get off, displaying both his virility and raw, unbridled power.