‘Think John A. MacDonald, but sexy’
By Naomi Ambrose, Staff Writer
Walter Vancouver has had quite enough. “This Halloween, I want to dress up for me,” said Vancouver at a press conference last Wednesday.
Throughout his childhood and teenage years, the great-great-grandson of Captain George Vancouver always dressed up like his great-great-grandfather every Halloween. However, this Halloween Vancouver is hoping to do something different.
“Growing up in England, I had a smashing and dashing time dressing up like my great-great-grandpappy. My parents and friends told me that I simply had to wear a Royal Navy costume to remind everyone about my great-great-grandpa Captain George Vancouver—the captain who explored the Pacific Coast. The very man that Vancouver is named after! I had a jolly time dressing up like Geepa. That’s what we called him, you know. But now that I’m studying and living in Canada, I’m feeling quite adventurous. I want to showcase myself as another influential Canadian figure.”
Reporters began shouting out the names of other notable Canadian politicians, from Wilfrid Laurier to Pierre Trudeau.
Vancouver shook his head emphatically. “I was thinking of going in a different direction. I’ve heard much about this Justin Bieber—perhaps he would be popular enough to win some costume contests. I don’t think I can commit to the hairstyle, but a wig would suffice. Or maybe I’ll dress up like Ryan Reynolds’ Deadpool. He’s local, you know. I’m also thinking about a tribute to the rockstar Bryan Adams. I’m sure all the black leather will be a big hit with the ladies.”
A reporter from the Vancouver Sun asked if Vancouver was planning on dressing as anything even remotely political, but Vancouver seemed to not hear the question.
“I also like the idea of dressing up as Michael Bublé, or Mike Myers,” Vancouver said. “Quite the sex symbols, they are. I think Geepa would approve! And thanks to our local vocal hero Seth Rogen, I’ll have many other costumes to choose from. The Green Hornet, for one. Or Frank the sausage from Sausage Party. Although that might be a tad risqué, eh?”
Reporters asked Vancouver if he planned to keep his costume based on famous Vancouver locals.
“Absolutely not!” Vancouver shouted. “I can always look to the east—to London, Ontario. So much happens in Ontario: the House of Commons, Parliament Hill… and, most important of all, Ryan Gosling’s birthplace. He was simply stunning in La La Land and Blade Runner 2049. Certainly one of the most influential films of 2017. Yes, I’m a big fan of Ryan’s.”
When Vancouver was reminded there were only scant days until Halloween, he brushed the words aside.
“Ah well, Halloween comes every year. I hate admitting it, but if I don’t make a decision, there’s always the boring old standby that everybody uses,” he said. “It’s a bit old hat, but it’s a classic last resort. It’s Richard Clement Moody, the founder and first Lieutenant-Governor of British Columbia. But I’m sure nobody will want to see that.”