No one noticed for weeks
By Duncan Fingarson, Senior Columnist
The government of Minnesota recently announced that the state, once 32nd to join the Union, has decided that Canada really is a better fit for it after all. The announcement came six weeks after Minnesota had already technically left the United States.
“We just figured it was time,” said Mark Dayton, governor of Minnesota. “For years people have been making jokes about how Minnesota is basically Canada. Given the current political climate down there, it felt like as good a time as any to make it official. Though we did sort of think that someone might actually notice before having to do that, don’tcha know.”
All of Minnesota’s border checkpoints have been moved to better represent its new international borders. The currency has all been replaced with Canadian dollars, and work is currently in progress to replace all nonsensical signs with metric ones. Despite these major changes, life has mostly continued on as normal for its citizens.
The Other Press, having flown a reporter to Minnesota, canvassed the streets to see what residents had to say. It seemed as though many were unaware of the change.
“Oh yeah, you betcha,” said Minnesotan Ole Olsen, when asked if he’d noticed that the money was now a different colour and easier to tell apart. “I thought that was just something the government was trying out. The news didn’t have anything about it. Here, come on in, you can stay for a bit if you want to talk.”
Our reporter politely refused but was unable to escape being plied with Tupperware-encased leftovers on the way down the drive.
Another Minnesota simply shrugged and said “uff da,” before offering the reporter lutefisk. Elsewhere, the reaction was similar. Reports that Justin Trudeau has been scrambling to find a jar of maple syrup with which to welcome Minnesota are unconfirmed at this time.
The addition of Minnesota to Canada increases the country’s total area to over ten million square kilometres. This isn’t enough to change the ranking, since Canada still has seven million more to go before it tops Russia, but it does substantially widen China’s lead for third. The population increase is more substantial, boosting Canada’s overall count by five million people and an innumerable number of mosquitos.
In related news, Canada has taken Minnesota’s annexation as a sign that other American states may also be willing to join the Great White North and is currently engaged in talks regarding Point Roberts. Because, seriously, those poor bastards.