Improper bong etiquette could equal jail time
By Jake Wray, Senior Columnist
The Liberal government’s new marijuana taskforce, led by Anne McLellan, has released a surprising list of proposed marijuana regulations that has pundits and advocates scratching their heads.
The taskforce has been collecting data and testimony in order to make recommendations to the federal government, which is preparing to table legalization legislation in 2017. Political observers and journalists were not expecting any announcements from the taskforce, which was meant to report directly to the justice minister.
McLellan called a last-minute press conference in Ottawa on Monday to make the off-kilter announcement.
“I realize that we are taking some unconventional steps here,” McLellan said. “This isn’t the entirety of our report, but we wanted to release a few of the staple regulations that form the core of what we’re trying to do here.”
McLellan then pressed play on 25-minute PowerPoint presentation set primarily to ’80s power rock songs, including “Eye of the Tiger,” and “The Final Countdown.” The proposed regulations are as follows:
- All Canadians over the age of 19 must take a rip at 4:20 p.m. every day.
- $4,000 fine for spilling a grinder.
- Visine must be applied between smoking and driving.
- Bongs and other glassware must be cleaned once a month with an alcohol-based cleaner.
- Pizza delivery drivers must accept joints in lieu of tips.
- Poppers must be taken from dedicated bongs.
- Bitch-tokes punishable by up to two years of jail time.
- Blunts must be rolled with a sprinkle of cocaine, just like Biggie used to do it.
- Smokers must buy local weed. No smoking any of that nasty Mexican brickweed.
- Children can only smoke at school if they bring enough for the whole class.
- Joints must always be passed to the left.
Pot advocate Marc Emery said the taskforce’s priorities are different that he imagined.
“Uh… holy shit. I was fully expecting the federal government to propose heavy-handed legislation that favoured big corporations and had no basis in the day-to-day realities of recreational smokers,” Emery said.
“This is… something else.”
The Other Press caught up with Conservative Party leader Rona Ambrose in Lethbridge, Alberta, where she was in the process of raising a posse.
“Think of the CHILDREN,” she said, wiping foam from the corners of her mouth as she sharpened her pitchfork.
“The government has signaled clearly that it’s on the side of the druggies and the fiends. I shudder to think how many abortions will be conducted using marijuana once these proposals become law.”
Karem Adams, professor of Bluntology at the University of Victoria, said he takes issue with the requirement that blunts be rolled with cocaine.
“A blunt without some blow in it is still good. The government is placing unfair pressure on people who want to enjoy a fat roll,” Adams said.
“Also, coke is still illegal.”