Universally delicious flavour makes sex safer
By Sharon Miki, Columnist
According to revelatory research released by Health Canada, rates of sexually transmitted infection (STI) have decreased to less than one per cent among Canadian adults—a rate that indicates that STIs are now so rare they are no longer worth studying or talking about—thanks entirely to the widespread proliferation of pumpkin spice-flavoured novelty condoms.
“Frankly, we were shocked, but we weren’t surprised,” said James Deen, Canada’s minister of health, in a statement released along with the study’s findings. “Everyone knows that pumpkin spice is literally 100 per cent irresistible, so as soon as we heard it was being added to sexual prophylactics, we knew things were going to change. We just didn’t know it would happen this fast!”
The pumpkin spice latte (PSL) condoms, which were released last month as part of a seasonal marketing initiative by Trojan Condoms, feature an intoxicating flavour that mixes the yummy and wholesome taste of pumpkin with the zesty tang of spices. When the condoms hit the market, sexually active Canadians began rushing to drugstores to try them.
“Pumpkin spice is finally here! OMG it’s so good I want to shoot myself! #PSL,” said Felicia Schuman, coquettishly, in a post on her Facebook wall that is indicative of public excitement over the product.
Within days, Health Canada is reporting that 99 per cent of Canadians began using pumpkin spice condoms as part of sexual activity. While use of regular condoms can still be plagued by misuse, the pumpkin spice condoms are reportedly used perfectly every time, as no one wants to waste a molecule of the unbelievably delicious flavour. As a result, nobody is having unprotected sex or spreading any gross sexually transmitted infections to each other.
The proliferation of pumpkin spice condoms amongst Canadians may yet have some negative impacts on public health, however, warn Health Canada officials. Specifically, experts worry that the increased use of condoms may lead to a major reduction in the birth of cute-yet-unwanted babies. While researchers assert that this aspect of the PSL-condom phenomenon will take at least nine months to study, 26-year-old Amy Pare illustrated many Canadians’ concerns:
“It’s been a struggle for my boyfriend and I, because we haven’t been able to conceive because we keep using pumpkin spice condoms perfectly,” said Pare. “Morally, it’s been hard on us. Because, like, we don’t want to deny the world another baby that will someday grow up to enjoy the magnificence of pumpkin spice-flavoured things! But we just can’t seem to bring ourselves to have unprotected sex when we could be enjoying a taste explosion against our junk.”
Trojan indicates that pumpkin spice condoms are limited edition and will only be available through November, at which point Canadians will have to wait until next autumn to enjoy sex at its best again.