Just when you thought it couldn’t get any scarier
By Chandler Walter, Humour Editor
Fright Night: the epitome of Halloween-themed teenage date nights. Prepare yourself for a night at Vancouver’s most terrifying theme park with this list of what is in store for you.
Rain. Is there anything scarier than being stuck outdoors with no hood or umbrella? You could have grabbed that frilly, pink one that your little sister had in her room, but what would everyone think of you then? Better to be wet than humiliated. Feel the ever-expanding cold creep up your limbs. There’s no running from hypothermia.
Entrance pat-down. Think you’ve got that half a mickey full of fireball securely stuffed down the front of your pants? Think again. After being groped by the overly serious security guard at the front gate, be ready to have your one solace against the cold confiscated. Not to mention how bad you look pleading to the guard “just please let me in” and “no please you can’t phone my mom.” Off to a great start.
Actors. One of the creepiest things about fright night is the weirdos stalking the walkways, jumping out at you and trying their best to be the “character” they have been assigned. You try to tell him “dude, chill,” but he is forever trapped in the persona of a maniacal clown or a chainsaw killer. These poor theatrical people. It chills the soul.
Lines. What could be scarier, spookier, or downright creepier than having to stand in one spot for what seems like hours? The water from everyone else’s umbrellas gathers and drips down the back of your shirt. The small talk you try to make with your date is staggered and awkward at best. There’s no escaping. You are trapped in a claustrophobic mosh pit of your own doing. There’s no way to go but forward now.
The houses. After being drenched, humiliated, and made to stand for hours, you are finally admitted into the haunted house. It’s dry, slightly warm, and there is no one pushed up against you except the blonde who’s friends with your friend’s girlfriend. She’s scared, or at least pretending to be. She clings to your arm as you walk by papier-mâché mummies and green Jell-O. This is the happiest you’ve been the entire night. But alas, you reach the most terrifying of all: the exit. Back into the cold dark outdoors from whence you came. Your doom is sealed.