Student suffers mysterious anxiety attack after downing 4.5 liters of black coffee

‘It just came out of nowhere,’ said victim

By Rebecca Peterson, Humour Editor

The mental health and medical community are at a loss to explain Douglas student Jenna Wired’s severe anxiety attack, which she suffered at 3 p.m. last Friday. It happened in the cafeteria, after she chugged at least 8 cups of Tim Horton’s black coffee in the space of 15 minutes.

“Everything was going fine,” explained Wired to the Other Press, still twitching while she spoke. “I was finally starting to wake up; I was all ready for class, then suddenly bam! Everything just spiralled out of control!”

“By the time the paramedics showed up, her heart was beating 378 times per minute,” said Dr. Kofi Been in a public statement to the press. “It was incredible. I’ve never seen anything like it. She was vibrating so quickly we could barely see her.”

The incident has been attributed to several possible factors, the first being school stress.

“Severe stress can have a remarkable effect on human physiology,” said noted psychologist Mark Pike. “Humans have been known to exhibit feats of superhuman strength when placed in emergency situations. We all know how stressful post-secondary education can be. Essays alone… man, I get the sweats just thinking about it, even now.”

When asked if Wired’s consumption of caffeine might have been a contributing factor, both Dr. Been and Dr. Pike agreed that this was incredibly unlikely.

“I mean, you’ve seen all the studies, right?” asked Dr. Been. “It only says good stuff about coffee, like how a cup a day helps you live longer, and how coffee beans have antioxidants, and all that. I heard you’d have to drink about a hundred cups before there are any negative effects on your system, and by that point the sheer amount of liquid intake would probably kill you. I drink coffee every day, and I’m old as shit!”

“It’s definitely not about the coffee,” said Dr. Pike. “I watched a YouTube video about this. Coffee’s really good for you! Just like red wine and chocolate. These are all things that are excellent for your health —hell, they’re even known to lower stress! And if a small bit of a good thing is healthy, then shit tons of a good thing is even healthier, right? Coffee is not to blame for this incident.”

With no answers on the horizon, it is likely that Wired’s anxiety attack is a mystery that will never be solved.

“It’s just kind of scary to think about,” said Wired, a cup of black coffee in hand. “Like, I wish there was something I could do… some habit I could break… something to ensure it won’t happen again.”