Yeah, I see you. I didn’t do them this week, okay?!
By Isabelle Orr, Entertainment Editor
Were you looking forwards to reading your horoscope this week? Well, tough shit! I’m getting a permanent crick in my neck from looking up at the stars, and a blotch in my right eye from staring into the moon for too long. Let’s get down to brass tacks—you’re looking for your horoscope because somewhere deep, deep down in your tiny little lizard brain, you’re looking for the answer to something that you already know. Let’s skip all the planet mumbo-jumbo for one week and take this quiz to find out what you’re subconsciously repressing!
Pick a travel destination and a reason why
a) Paris, for the art
b) Berlin, for the music scene
c) Thailand, for the beaches
d) Spain, for the hotties
Pick a gym activity
b) stair climber
c) staying in the changeroom for 15 minutes on your phone and then calling it a day
d) opening Tinder and setting your distance to five kilometres
Which Sex and the City character are you?
b) Miranda, but with better hair
c) Mr. Big
d) Weird Semen guy
Your best friend texts you at three in the morning to tell you that they just got dumped. You:
a) go see them right away!
b) console them over the phone for hours
c) send a text
d) Do Not Disturb mode, baby!
You go all the way to a specific restaurant for your favourite dish, but they’re all out! You:
a) get something else that the waiter recommends
b) go to the next best restaurant nearby
c) be a dick to the waiter even though it’s not their fault
d) DoorDash A&W to the restaurant
Your boss texts you to come in on your day off. You have the spare time, but you’re feeling lazy. You:
a) agree to come in for half of the shift time
b) agree if you can give away one of your shifts next week
c) go in and do 35 percent of the work that you would normally do
d) I already said Do Not Disturb mode! Baby!
There’s something big and stressful looming on the horizon (think test, exam, interview) and you’re looking for any sign that you’re going to do well. Well sweetie, look no further! You’re going to do great at whatever you’re doing—that is, unless you royally fuck it up. But you would never do that, right? Why don’t you check another paper for their horoscope section?
Rent just came and went, and you’re panicking about the great de-equalizer: cash. Yup, you’re pinching pennies! Trying to take a peek into the stars and see if you’ll be coming into the green? Well, look no further because I’m here to tell you that I have no idea about your financial situation and how to improve it. Hell, I can barely take care of myself! Toodles!
Lost that joie de vivre? Join the club, bitch! You’re looking for a sign—any sign—that we’re not just ants on the lump of floating space rock that we call Earth. What really floats your boat? I can’t tell you that, but I can tell you that you’re never going to find it by sitting at home and reading the horoscopes in the paper. Get out there and do something, anything, before we all catapult into the sun!
Let’s call a spade a spade, reader. You’ve got it bad: A crush on someone that you’ve probably never talked to in your life. Trying to sneak a peek at your horoscope to see if they’ve got the hots for you too? Pathetic! Why don’t you do something worthwhile with your time, like fix your hair or download a dating app? Hey… you’re looking pretty good! What are you up to next week? 😉 😉 😉