The memoirs of a keyboard warrior
By Chandler Walter, Distribution Manager
The year is 2018, though to those of us in the trenches, we just consider it Year Three. Three years of struggle. Three years of strife. Three long years since the Great Evil “broke the Internet,” actively destroying any semblance of order, decency, and originality within these electric halls.
I remember that dark, dark day as clear as a MacBook Pro retina display. Users were no longer safe from those they didn’t follow or friend, and newsfeeds were clogged by click-bait and suggested videos. And from the darkest damnedest depths of the Internet, the Blackness spewed forth, engulfing all in its path. This Blackness consisted of the souls of the damned—users who’d lost their way along the righteous, glorious path of idea sharing and information collecting. These users have been corrupted by the Evils of the Internet, and, like a plague, cast their shadow upon those of us that remain.
I’m lucky to still be here. We all are.
The first to go was the city of Facebook. Once the most populous place, when it fell, it fell hard. Facebook never was much of a battle; it was already crumbling under its own sheer weight. Users were disconnected from one another in the chaos, some to be found again elsewhere in the Web, others… never to be seen again. It is now nothing but a wasteland, filled with commenting parents, “New Phone Need Numbers” groups, and deadly BuzzFeed click-bait all too eager to catch a user unaware. On occasion, some of us briefly return to revel in the glorious days of the past, when all was young and free and clean, but if we step foot there, we step lightly.
YouTube was the next to go, though that was truly a battle. Comedians, cartoonists, academics, and song-covering artists all banded together as one to produce content that was true and entertaining, informative and thought provoking—but it was not enough. The annoying preteens were too many and the un-skippable ads were too long; slowly the Realm of YouTube was succeeded to those who would exploit, tarnish, and ultimately destroy it for financial gain. Our first major loss. Our thoughts and prayers are with the fallen: Tedtalks, Vsauce, Rob Cantor—a few of the many that attempted to make this decaying World Wide Web green again.
The Pirate Bay—once one of our most precious ports for the sending and receiving of content—was viciously burned to the ground. Our Coders are working furiously to rebuild, but they must move slowly and secretly, as the Great Eye, NSA, is always watching.
Grand General Google attempted to regain some ground against the Blackness by initiating “Operation +.” The plan was that if we could not retake Facebook, we would create a new one: a place in which we remaining users could once again gather, a place to strengthen our numbers and retie old bonds—but even among the good, discrepancy still remains. Google+ was a failure, but a failure of our own doing.
As for now we hold them at a gridlock, but barely. They control YouTube, Tinder, Myspace, Yahoo. In the PlayStation Network they have legions of youth being trained at the art of name-calling and irrational arguments. Factions like the Westboro Baptists, UrbanDictionary, and Internet Explorer all support them.
We hold Google Chrome, though many of us are scattered throughout the Web, each fighting an endless battle in his or her own way. We try to hold hope, but it has just been so long, and the bastards fight dirty. Each new video that promises it will “restore your faith in Humanity” destroys it. They’ve found ways around Adblocker. The hot local singles in your area are all a lie.
For now we fight on two main fronts: Twitter and Instagram. In the former, one must always be wary, for the Evil can hide behind subtweets, sources need not be referenced, original material is stolen, and sponsored tweets can be forced into otherwise pure Twitter feeds.
The latter faces a similar darkness. Pictures are being posted off of Google, unwinnable repost campaigns are clogging the feeds, and progress pics are being uploaded at a faster rate than one could chug a protein shake.
The War of the Web will continue, as long as there are those there to fight it—as long as there are users who understand the importance of truth, originality, creativity, and taking a stand against the evils that plague this great domain.
Stand with us.
Make a difference.
Be the hero that the Internet deserves.