Toronto mayor Rob Ford abandons office in favour of cross-country drive-thru road trip

‘This will boost support for both cars and for me’ says Ford

By Livia Turnbull, Humour Editor

Last week, Toronto citizens found themselves voicing their concerns about their city to a mayor that was not there. Despite his recent legal issues, Toronto mayor Rob Ford has been allowed to remain in office until his appeal for the libel suit is finally resolved. But it appears that Ford has bigger things on his mind than running a world-class city.

Ford’s secretary, George Christopoulos, was one of the last people to see him before the mayor took off. “Right before Ford disappeared, he kept saying that he still wanted to fight in what he calls ‘The War on Cars’ and still prevent bike lanes from being built in the city.”

Christopoulos was also the first person to notice that Ford had vacated his office. “He had missed a meeting earlier that morning and when I went to check in on him, I found the window open and a rope made out of bedsheets on the windowsill. In hindsight, it might have been wise to ask why Ford had brought those sheets from his house in the first place.”

Security guards later discovered that Ford’s car was also missing. Around the same time, Christopoulos discovered a note addressed to him in Ford’s desk.

“Ford wrote to me that I should tweet about his cross-country road trip to boost support for cars,” says Christopoulos. “Of course, I have no doubt that the people of Toronto will be enraged by this trip, but it’s what the mayor wants.”

Ford was later spotted at a gas station just on the outskirts of the city by a local man. “When I tried to engage in small talk with him, he complained about how hard it was to keep an eye on his gas tank, for he is a busy, busy man,” the eyewitness recalled in an exclusive interview with The Other Press. “He also said that he was going on a road trip to all of the drive-thrus in Canada. Mentioned something about how drive-thrus wouldn’t be possible if cars had never been invented.”

In the past, Ford has made his stance on bike lanes very public, going as far to say that they would destroy the drive-thru and lead to the disappearance of many favourite fast food chains. He has also expressed his remorse over the loss of McDonalds’ Supersize option.