Photo by Billy Bui
What an absolute dingus
By Isabelle Orr, Contributor
Onlookers were shocked when Douglas College student Daniel Korchenko cracked his textbook open on September 3.
Korchenko, who started university directly after high school without gaining any life experience first, felt that it would be prudent to take a running start at his assignments.
“I have some free time now, so why shouldn’t I get started as soon as possible?” said the Teacher’s Pet.
Classmates from Korchenko’s Biology 101 felt that he was setting a bad precedent.
“He’s making us look like a bunch of nerds who actually care,” Stephanie Rickson, Korchenko’s classmate, told Other Press reporters. “I didn’t even attend the first class, I just stood outside by an open window.”
Korchenko felt that by starting his homework early, he could get ahead of the game—and maybe even read ahead.
“Biology is interesting to me, so why wouldn’t I want to spend my downtime learning more about animals, nature, and the human body?” Korchenko asked, totally killing the good vibes in the room and making everyone hate the sound of his dumb voice. “I might even look up some secondary information just so I can share it with the professor after class.”
“I don’t give a shit about what that kid has to say,” Myles Ashbury, Korchenko’s professor, told reporters. “Man, I just got back from surfing in Tofino for two weeks, and this kid is all ‘professor this’ and ‘professor that’ and telling me about all these links he found on the internet. It’s like, I know. I’m the professor.”
Rumours began to fly that the early readings were mandatory, and confusion spread across the Douglas campus like wildfire.
“I didn’t know we were supposed to be ready to learn,” Stephanie Graham, second-year student, wept. “I’m not prepared! My brain is still soft and malleable from the summer sun! I won’t be able to retain any information until just before midterms, when I attempt to learn a whole semester in a night!”
“Korchenko must be stopped,” Quentin Moore, Korchenko’s classmate said menacingly as he cracked his knuckles. “Nobody’s supposed to do any work until halfway through week three, everybody knows that.”
Korchenko told reporters that he had no plans to stop his total nerd-fest.
“I might flip through some future lecture notes tonight before bed,” he said. “Maybe start commenting on discussion posts early, you know. Just standard stuff.”
As an angry crowd gathered outside the interview room to knock some sense into him, Korchenko remarked that he “might take a crack at those English 101 novels as well.”
