By Livia Turnbull, Post-secondary Failure
- Show up to school wearing your finest clothing borrowed from your uncle when he went through his shock phase in college.
- Always keep a canteen of sour milk in your backpack.
- When you get to class, sit in the back and call people who sit at the front nerds.
- In fact, call anybody that isn’t as cool as you a nerd.
- When the teacher introduces themselves, yell that you didn’t need to hear their life’s story.
- Sneak into the gym and write “Washed up by 35” on every team’s jersey. Even the curling team.
- When caught, pretend to be the Ghost of Futures Yet to Come.
- When nobody buys the above act, just float out the nearest window to prove that you are a ghost.
- Get sent to the hospital with two broken legs and a possible vandalism charge.
- Try to get the school to drop the vandalism charge by doing your best Tiny Tim impression.
- If that fails, scream, “The school is possessed by Ebenezer Scrooge!”
- Much, much later, when the school somehow lets you back in, set up a fun game of Indoor Pencil Lawn Darts.
- It’s all fun and games until someone stabs one of the sprinklers with an extra sharp pencil.
- Don’t panic when the hallway starts to flood. Instead, run out to a pet store and buy some baby piranhas.
- Borrow a video camera from the A.V. Room and film passersby’s reactions.
- Go home and edit your footage using Windows Movie Maker.
- Sell the finished product to the Sy-Fy channel.
- Watch as your movie entitled Piranha 3-D: The College Years rakes in hundreds of viewers.
- Explain to the college that your little sprinkler mishap was just a form of artistic expression.
- Pray that one of the Liberal Arts teachers really believes it’s artistic expression.
- Also mention to the college that you were crowned the King of France as an infant and that you’ve got some powerful connections overseas.
- When shot down by history, explain that they have a secret monarchy that’s only for newborn half-vampires.
- You’re not a vampire; you’re actually a hybrid between an orc and a night elf.
- After all, the talking pink panther wearing a tweed coat and a flat cap couldn’t have lied to you.
- Get committed to an insane asylum and never have to worry about school or work ever again.
