Vancouverites angry that they have nothing to complain about

Things have been going too smoothly

By Chandler Walter, Humour Editor

What seems to be a first for BC’s largest city is a little too hard to handle for many of its residents.

Vancouverites have been enjoying sunny weather over the past few weeks, with an unseasonal lack of rain and no grey clouds in sight.

“It just doesn’t feel right,” said Kitsilano resident, Paul Jones. “I’ve been to the beach every day this week. I’ve relaxed so much, there’s hardly any stress left to expel.”

Jones usually spends his evening being angry that anyone would dare order food at the restaurant he works at, though he said that the lightened attitude of his patrons and those he works with has really changed his mood. “Is this what contentment feels like?” he asked. “I hate it.”

Similar issues have arisen at local yoga, meditation, and hookah joints, with owners claiming that the generally relaxed attitude of most Vancouverites nowadays has lost them hundreds of dollars in business.

“I mean, who can really be mad on a day like today?” asked yoga instructor Ruth Baxley. “I have less people coming in to relax their bodies and minds with the healing motions of yoga, but honestly, I’ve never felt better.”

Still, Baxley worried that if things kept going as well for her would-be customers around the city that she would soon be out of house and home.

The overall lax attitudes of Vancouverites has eliminated all traffic, as many have taken to bicycling on the sunny days instead. Those who remained in their cars are found to be driving selflessly and more apologetically.

“The only horns I’ve heard today were ones of gratitude,” said lawyer and commuter Brock Hardy. “It’s kind of crazy how I never thought about it this way, but if everyone just lets people in and no one tries to budge ahead, traffic flows smoothly.”

Hardy found himself at work with time to spare every day over the past week, something he said has left him with nothing to talk to his co-workers about. “Usually I show up and say ‘ugh traffic’ and Jim, well he does this shrug thing. It’s pretty great. Now we don’t have that any more…”

Many around the city have found that this new enlightenment and easy-going attitude has left them severely questioning their own identities.

“I mean, we don’t even have the Canucks to be angry about,” said James Benning. “I went to a game the other day, and everyone was just getting drunk and having a good time. No one cared who won or lost because there is no possibility for playoff contention. It’s like they’re not even fans any more!”

Many are hoping that some rain will come, so that Vancouver can have something to actually complain about and stop complaining about not having anything to complain about.