WebMD headquarters gets mobbed by hypochondriacs

Photo via cmureadme.com

Photo via cmureadme.com

‘This website has done nothing but bring me anxiety’

By Carlos Bilan, Staff Writer

 

An angry mob of thousands gathered around the WebMD headquarters holding pitchforks, torches, and picket signs, demanding for the website to be shut down. The crowd chanted “fuck WebMD!” and “shut it down!” throughout the night as people tried to enter the building.

A reporter from the Other Press managed to interview some of the livid participants.

Charles Baker, a 20-year-old finance student, was rushed to the emergency room after collapsing in the gymnasium upon reading WebMD.

“I had just finished my third set of leg raises when I felt a sharp pain in my lower right abdomen,” Baker said. “I became dizzy and it had me curled on the floor for a second, but it did stop after a while. I just wanted to find out what could have happened by Googling ‘pain in the lower right abdomen’ and this Web MD page was the top result. According to the site, I had appendicitis and had to be rushed to the hospital immediately. I panicked, so I asked the guy at the front desk of the gym to phone 911 because I thought my appendix had burst. After waiting three long in the E.R., the doctor said it was a muscle spasm. I could have gone to that party I wanted to hit up after the gym but no, WebMD had me worried for nothing.”

“As soon as I bash through that door, I’m gonna destroy their main power system,” Baker added.

Another student—Pedro Belonidae, Fine Arts major—shared his experience of using WebMD. “One time, I was a little itchy and after Googling it, WebMD told me I had the bubonic plague. I will never forget the embarrassment I felt after telling my family doctor that I might be dying. It even pisses me off that it made me buy some anti-Black Death tablets to alleviate the itchiness only to have it turn out that I did not even need to take them. My doctor said they were probably sponsored by the website. So now I’ll do my part as a citizen of this country to shut that shit down.”

It took three hours before the mobs were able to breach the building. A log that measured 20 feet in length had to be lifted by about 30 people to ram the doors of the WebMD headquarters. One hundred protestors also threw eggs on the building. Police did not interfere, as many of them had also joined the cause.

“I have a daughter who I keep having to drive to the hospital every few days because of this website,” said Officer Erwin Hunter. “Of course, when your kid comes up to you and says they’re dying, your first instinct as a parent is to rush them to the ER. Turns out it was just a stomach ache. The second time and she was having some pain in her joints and got it into her head that she had gout. I asked her why she thought that and she said ‘WebMD said so, daddy! Please bring me to the doctor. I don’t want to die!’ This website has done nothing but bring me and my kid anxiety.”

The mob successfully tore through the building but, as they entered, they were left surprised and disappointed to see the building showed no signs of life.

“It seemed like the administrators escaped through the emergency exit at the back,” said detective Conan Jaeger. “The website is still running, so they could have many proxy buildings. It appears that WebMD has a far more complex database than expected.”

A hopeful mob member with a megaphone was heard making the following statement after the discovery of the empty building:

“We can’t lose hope. Paranoia and anxiety will continue to exist until we have destroyed WebMD. We will all have our justice soon! We can’t live in fear!”

The crowd cheered and spent the rest of the night dancing to music and partying in the empty building. As of now, the whereabouts of the WebMD team are still unknown.

The Other Press

The Other Press, Douglas College's student newspaper since 1976. Articles, insight and updates from the New West and Coquitlam campuses.

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