By Isabelle Orr, Entertainment Editor
Are you contributing to the mass environmental degradation that will surely ruin our sole livable planet by the year 2040, or are you a pretty, pale green forest nymph? Take this forest quiz to find out if you will burn in the eternal afterlife that will be our children’s futures when climate change destroys the Earth!
You see a can on the sidewalk. Do you:
- a) pick up the can, bring it home, wash it, then journey on foot several miles to a recycling plant where you can personally ensure the can will be recycled
- b) toss it in an appropriately labelled receptacle
- c) walk past the litter on the ground like the dog you are
You’re invited to a potluck! You bring:
- a) locally sourced, farm-fresh eggs cooked with ferns found at the perimeters of your yard to make a nice frittata
- b) two family-sized bags of Doritos and a 2L of Coke Zero
- c) the flesh of a dead animal cruelly born and bred in a factory farm, who knew only a life of pain and suffering and contributed to toxic gas emissions, put on skewers to make an alarmingly appealing kebab
Halloween arrives! Your costume is:
- a) leaves (that have naturally fallen to the forest floor) woven with young, pliable green wood to make a cape. This is thrown across your shoulders as you dance into the night to celebrate the spirits of the autumn night
- b) sheet ghost
- c) a rubber Nixon mask because just like Nixon you are a liar and an imp and plus you bought a mask that will lose cultural relevancy with every passing year and will remain in a landfill until it is found by our alien overlords
What luck! You find a large sum of money on the ground. You:
- a) donate the money, and any more you can possibly spare, to environmental research regarding orangutans or koalas or something of that nature
- b) have a party and invite all your friends
- c) burn the money, laughing in the face of what you perceive to be “God” while also burning a picture of your mother and father and inhaling the fumes
You really want the latest and greatest sneaker, but you don’t have enough money saved to justify the purchase. Do you:
- a) take a deep, calming breath and remind yourself that material objects only bind you to the physical realm
- b) use your credit card
- c) hold up an elderly couple at gunpoint and demand money for the mass-produced, trendy shoes that were most likely a product of child labour and laugh, laugh so hard you see red and your nose begins to bleed
Congratulations! You are the embodiment of the goddess Persephone. You sleep peacefully on your bed of boughs, knowing that every single thing you do keeps you from being blamed for global warming or pollution. Instead of hair, you have young moss growing from the top of your head. Animals follow you around like a Disney princess. You, too, will die when we suffer the consequences of humankind’s actions.
While you try your best to be eco-conscious, you slip up from time to time. That’s okay! What are a few cans in the garbage when you and everyone you know is roasting alive under the rapidly degrading ozone layer? Sleep well tonight, champ!
You really are just the worst. A scourge on society, you actively attempt to contaminate Earth with chemical substances. As we hurtle closer and closer to the end of life as we know it, take comfort in the fact that no matter what result you got in this quiz, we will all suffer the same fate of being scorched to death in the Thousand Day Burnings!