Every little murder counts!
By Isabelle Orr, Entertainment Editor
According to a recent study from The Economist, greenhouse gas emissions could be greatly reduced by 2050 with one annual change: The Purge.
Simon Richardson, head of Environmental Studies at Harvard, explained that harmful, ozone-reducing pollution could be cut by three-quarters if the entire world participated in a social slaughter. “Like the popular movie franchise, citizens would be encouraged to fight, kill, and steal to their hearts’ content for a single night. You can’t argue with the numbers—it’s science.”
Many of us are aware of the challenges facing Earth and its inhabitants. Overpopulation, global warming, the melting of ice caps, and the extinction of wildlife—mass changes must be made to preserve life as we know it.
“This will do just that,” Richardson said. “All it takes is brutally stabbing your friends and neighbours.”
The motion was brought up at a United Nations meeting, to mixed reviews. Gillian Frances, part of the Security Council, took issue with the idea.
“If we do this,” she announced to the press at a conference, “we might not have any more Purge movies. I ask you, humble citizens, is that a world you want to live in?”
To counter her argument, Alim Nour, also of the Security Council, stated, “There are already four Purge movies and possibly a fifth in the making. We should move our attention to more important things, like a third Incredibles movie. It already took them so long to make the second one.”
The two debated movie franchises for a half hour, while many reporters took to the streets to speak to local citizens.
“I would have no problem breaking into the house of the bitch next door who runs her sprinkler every single day in the summer and stealing all of her electronics and jewelry,” Gracie Spiegelman, New Westminster resident, told Other Press reporters. “All in the name of planet Earth, of course.”
“If I have to go to my deadbeat father’s house and bust his kneecaps, so be it,” said Joshua Huang, SkyTrain transit operator. “I’m a vegetarian and I have a plot in a community garden, so of course I want to do all that I can to keep this world turning. And if I have to grab all of his petty cash and electronics, that’s just the way it is. I guess you could call me a huge environmentalist.”
“If my kill count is higher than 50, do I have to recycle for the rest of the year?” asked Jennifer Egret, BC Hydro employee.
Richardson is confident in the effectiveness of the Purge. “An estimated 318,900 people will go out for the Purge in America alone—and with each successive year, more and more will surely participate. That means with each mass extermination, we get closer and closer to our goal of a healthy, sustainable planet. Go, humans, go!”