Woman who ended all friendships gets period, revokes decision

Local woman takes it all back

By Isabelle Orr, Entertainment Editor

Elizabeth Moore, 26, tearfully stood in front of press on Saturday afternoon.

“I’d like to make a public apology for my recent actions,” Moore said, eating out of a family-sized bag of kettle chips. “My thoughts and feelings were not my own.”

In a three-day window of time, Moore single-handedly ended every close, personal friendship she had cultivated over the last three years.

“Obviously this was a huge mistake,” she said.

Other choices Moore made under the influence of sex hormones estrogen and progesterone were oversharing personal information at work, crying nonstop through the first two episodes of the second season of Pose, buying a pair of unnecessary jeans while bloated, and arranging a slew of Tinder dates she would never attend.

“All of these commitments were made when I was in an altered headspace,” Moore said. “Never in my right mind would I agree to go for a beer with a white man named Rob. That’s my father’s name, for goodness sakes.”

The final, embarrassing blow was a full-on fight with best friends Rachel Durr and Gordon Caparros.

“We’ve been close friends for almost three years now,” Durr told Other Press reporters. “We’ve been there through highs, lows, breakups, weddings, the whole thing. That’s why it was so surprising when Liz called off our whole friendship because we didn’t ask her if she wanted to DoorDash sushi to Gordon’s house. In our defence, she said she was picking up Thai for herself on her way over. It was classic Elizabeth.”

“I was hungry enough for two meals,” Moore said. “It felt like they were telling me that I was too fat for both.”

In an aside, Caparros said to press, “She didn’t need both. Thai and sushi are very rice-heavy. She would’ve had half of a veggie sushi combo and said she was full. But you didn’t hear it from me.”

After her arrival at Caparros’ apartment, Moore tearfully called the three-year relationship to an end.

“I brought up the time Rachel went on vacation without us, and how we all supported Gordon through his most recent breakup,” Moore said. “I see now that these incidents are in the past and have no bearing on our life at the moment.”

When asked if Durr and Caparros would accept Moore’s apology, Durr said, “I get my period a little before Elizabeth, so we don’t really see each other for a two-week time span. It really helps keep our friendship intact.”

Caparros later said to press, “She looks very pale and bloated right now. She is not at her best.”

In her final statement Moore told reporters, “My actions were mine and mine alone. I am truly sorry for the hurt feelings I have caused and the trail of destruction I have left in my wake. I can only hope to improve myself over the next 22 days, followed by a week of extreme chaos where I cannot be held accountable for anything I do.”

As reporters were packing up, Caparros’ comments were relayed to Moore, resulting in the friendship being called off once again.