See what your destiny has in store for you! 50 per cent off for a limited time only!
By Rebecca Peterson, Humour Editor
Here at the Other Press, we care about having a consistent article series that gives the Humour Editor a break from having to come up with six different pitches every week, so we pay good money to keep a psychic on retainer to make her job easier. Read on to discover what the universe has decided for you this time around…
IF TODAY IS YOUR BIRTHDAY…
The universe is compelling you to go to YouTube and type in “Thomas the Tank Engine in Da Club.” Watch the video. You will thank the universe.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
This week, you may wish to fulfill a lifelong dream. Judging by the placement of the stars, you probably shouldn’t if your life-long dream is to visit Mercury. Because it is too close to the sun. (Get it? The “placement of the stars?” This is as good as it gets, folks. This is fucking comedy gold.)
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
You will notice this week that your mood controls the weather. However, this is true of every Taurus. The mixed signals from roughly 1/12th of the population will result in the weather remaining exactly the same. So you might not notice it after all.
GEMINI (May 21– June 20)
The universe nearly forgot about you this week. This is probably your fault. You must do something drastic to recapture the universe’s interest.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
You might feel very ambitious this week. Good for you! I wish I could remember what ambition feels like. It seems I lost it long ago, in the starry-eyed days of my youth before the hard crush of reality squeezed the life from all my hopes and dreams. Enjoy it while it lasts, sweet Cancer; enjoy it while it lasts.
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
You should probably change your name to Leo for the sake of continuity.
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
Last week, Sagittarius did not get a horoscope. This week, it’s your turn. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
There is someone in a parallel universe who looks and sounds and acts just like you, but is somehow more successful than you. If this is hard to hear, keep in mind that there is someone in another parallel universe who looks and sounds and acts just like you who is less successful than you, and someone in another parallel universe who looks and sounds and acts just like you who is probably about the same level of successful as you are, but way less fun at parties.
SCORPIO (October 22 – November 21)
I was going to say that your star sign shares a name with the son of a Harry Potter character, but it turns out the kid’s name is “Scorpius,” not “Scorpio.” What this means is that I should re-read Harry Potter, and that you’re probably going to see at least one bird this week.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
You did not have a horoscope last week because quite frankly last week our psychic and amateur astrologist was not certain if you had a future. It turns out she left the lens cap on her telescope whilst examining the stars to read your destiny in the constellations. Our business manager is becoming quite vehement in her insistence that we should not be paying our resident psychic a $10,000/week retainer for her services, but that has nothing to do with you. You are good and kind and in fact, quite cute! And our psychic assures us that you do, in fact, have a future after all. Lucky you!
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
You need a nap. I know this because I am a Capricorn and I need a nap. I vote we sleep in until next week.
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
There’s a surprising amount of songs written about Aquarius; I can think of at least two off-hand right now. My personal favourite is “Aquarius” by Regina Spektor, and I’m not even an Aquarius myself. What this means for you this week is that you must confront your personal demons and radically change the way you live your life before it’s too late for us all.
PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
Fish.
