Spence introduces new line of gluten-free diamonds

Chain hopes to appeal to millennials

By Duncan Fingarson, Contributor

Spence Diamonds is the most recent addition to a long list of companies that are adopting new strategies in the face of a changing marketplace. Spence, which mostly sells engagement rings and other diamond jewelry, has been hit hard by what some are calling the “Millennial Crisis.” In an effort to recapture the millennial demographic, Spence has now introduced a new line of organic, fair trade, locally sourced, free-range, gluten-free diamonds.

“It’s an established fact that millennials aren’t buying as many diamonds,” Spence spokesperson, Spencer Spencington, said when contacted by the Other Press for further details on the new product line. “We’re really not sure why—they probably blew all their money on avocado toast, or something. Who wouldn’t want diamonds? They’re really shiny; everyone loves shiny things.”

Similar to the marketing campaign for lab-grown diamonds to be framed as “Artisan-created,” the new diamonds are reportedly “no different, except bigger, and also happier.” The new diamonds are “hatched from diamond eggs, and allowed to roam free,” according to Spencington.

“We have the first and only free-range diamond ranch in the Lower Mainland,” Spencington continued. “We’re trying to keep it local and in line with our values of offering what people really want. We’re also very active in maintaining a truly organic and natural process. Other diamond companies keep their diamonds locked in tiny cages around the clock—they never get to see the light of day, or feel the grass under their incredibly sparkly feet. You won’t find any of that here.”

The Other Press had the opportunity to visit Spence’s new diamond ranch, and can confirm that everything Spencington said is true, and not at all a marketing scheme. The diamonds are, as reported, very large, and incredibly sparkly. There is plenty of room for them to roam, and they seem much happier than the diamonds commonly seen confined to tiny glass cages in jewelry stores.

“It’s heartbreaking, what they do in those stores,” local jewelry shopper Crystal Miner told reporters. “All those poor diamonds, stuck behind glass like that. I haven’t seen Spence’s ranch, but I’m sure it’s totally legit. In the future, I’ll make sure to buy all my diamonds from them. I hear they’re gluten-free, too, and you just can’t say that about other diamonds.”

As the initiative is still new, it remains to be seen how millennials will react. The new, free-range, gluten-free diamonds are not actually less expensive than current options, just substantially larger. There remains some concerns that spending huge amounts of money on sparkly rocks that aren’t very rare to begin with can’t be justified in the face of rising costs of living. On the other hand, the rocks are very sparkly.